


'Til it saves my soul

by flawedM



Category: Political Animals
Genre: Blowjobs, Drug Use, Explicit Sexual Content, Gen, Homophobia, Oral Sex, Recovery, Recreational Drug Use, Rehabilitation, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-21 08:00:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 42,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2460821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flawedM/pseuds/flawedM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With his mother running for president, TJ is once again a little too much under the spotlight for his own health. He falls back in his old demons. His family doesn't know how to help him anymore, as he seems to aim at his own destruction above all now.</p><p>At least until he meets the most unexpected help all of them could think of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm not a fucking baby sitter

**Author's Note:**

> Work is un-beta so if you see any huge mistake, feel free to tell me and I'll correct it!

**Prologue : I am not a fucking baby sitter**

He runs to the car before she even stops it. The rain is pouring and he’s soaking wet. Frozen. He closes the door, his teeth chattering, avoiding her accusing glare. But she doesn’t move off, waiting in silent until his eyes finally meet hers.

« Where the fuck were you ?? »

« Oh come on, Kat… I don’t need a babysitter… »

“Oh yeah? What am I doing here then? … Shit me you don’t… “

Her nostrils are dilated and he can clearly see the anger setting fire to her eyes. He shrugs, hiding how much he hates the fact he feels like he has failed her in a way. She would hate him if he said that – telling him he would never fail her, no matter what he did - so he doesn’t.

“I just met an old friend and we… oh come on, you don’t want to know that…”

“Pockets” she demands, in a careful controlled voice.

“Are you kidding?”

“I swear to god I’ll search them myself if you don’t do it…”

He sighs, slightly louder than necessary and hands her the small bag he had in his right pocket. He knows he can’t measure up to her, so what’s the point in fighting?... He lets it fall in her open palm as she stares at him, open mouthed.

“Oh Jesus… Are you crazy? It’s been nearly a year, and you ruin everything… And for what?... A little kick with a sex friend?? ”

“I didn’t take any…”

“Yeah, right…” She opens the bag and throws the powder it contains through the window directly in the gutter. He swallows the protest that immediately pops in his mind and threaten to pass his lips. She finally starts driving and both remain silent for a while.

“I’m sorry, Kat, I didn’t want you to worry…”

She keeps looking at the road, her hands clenching almost imperceptibly on the wheel. She starts biting her lower lip before taking a deep breath.

“Do you remember when we first met?”

He looks at her, confused. That’s not the question he was expecting.

“Hell yeah” he answers anyway, with a little smile. “How could I forget?”

She nods, but her smile is even smaller than his and he knows her enough now to see the sadness in her eyes.

“I don’t want to see you that way again…”

His heart sinks in his chest. He doesn’t want her sad. He opens his mouth but finds himself unable to find anything to say other than repeating “I didn’t take any…”

She sighs and refuses to answer. The journey home ended in a thick silence. After she parks near the apartment they were sharing for a little more than six months now, she turns to him with a resolute grin.

“Tomorrow, I get you to the hospital.”

“Oh come on Kat, I’m fine...What for?”

“Blood test… Or urine. I don’t know how they do it. I need to be sure.”

He frowns and feels a well-known resentment rising in his chest. “Don’t you trust me?” It comes out a little on the wrong side of aggressive, but he can’t help himself.

For a second, he sees the despairing light in her eyes before she answers.

“I would trust you with my own life…. But I don’t trust you with yours. So I do what I have to to make sure you’re fine…” He blinks, feeling his eyes burning with the sudden tears he refuses to let go of. She sees it anyway –she was already able to read right through him seconds after they first met – and shoots him a loving smile before adding “And I’m not a fucking baby sitter, so next time, you call a fucking taxi!”

He lets go of a small chuckle, feeling the tension easing off his shoulder as she grabs him by the neck and smacks a kiss on his forehead.

TJ knows he won’t be able to find sleep, so he carefully slithers in her bed and take her in his arms. Just to feel less alone. For the first time in years, he has found someone he feels would never let him down. So of course, he will groan tomorrow when she wakes him up to drag him to the hospital. But he will do it anyway. Because he doesn’t want to let her down either.


	2. What are you doing, poster boy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for violence and homophobia  
> Work is still un-beta so if you see any huge mistake, feel free to tell me and I'll correct it!

_Two years ago_

He has a couple of blessed months before everything starts to derail again. After Doug and Anne’s wedding, everything seems to take the right path for a while. He’s trying really hard to make it so. He still lives at his mother’s. Goes to the meetings every weeks. He’s not using anymore since the little incident at the night club. Doesn’t even see any of his old friends, in case it would make him dive back.

Of course, his father had him off the deal with the night club. He can’t really blame him for it, but he hates being ripped of the one thing he really wanted to do on his own. He keeps his protests to himself, and adds it to the pile of things he blames Bud for.

Bud tries to be there a little more for him, but none of them knows how to be around the other. How could they? TJ hardly has more than a handful of memories that include his father and that are actually _nice_. So they kind of dance around each other, trying to find a common ground.

Sometimes Bud tries to make him talk, to make sure he’s fine. Sometimes Bud falls back in his bad habit of listening to himself talking and monopolize the conversation. It’s easier for TJ, he just has to nod periodically so Bud won’t notice he’s not listening a word Bud’s saying. Sometimes Bud asks him to play piano and just sit in the couch and listen. It’s complicated, and actually nice at the same time, but sometimes it’s too much to handle for TJ, so he tries not to think about it too long. Somewhere deep inside, TJ’s blaming Bud for everything he has become. He was a good kid before the white house. He had a bright future ahead. And now… now he’s a wreck and a burden to those he loves. He hates it. He hates himself. More than he hates his father.

Elaine doesn’t really have time for him, even if she tries to. But with Garcetti’s death and her soon-to-come announcement of her running for president again, she has a lot to take care of. He’s used to it now, it barely even bothers him anymore. He keeps telling her that it’s fine. That she can take care of whatever she has to, he’ll be just fine. He lies.

He fears the moment she will announce it. Because he can’t take the attention anymore. And he knows it. He knows he will explode. So it starts eating him from the inside, and he really tries to fight it, because he wants to make right it this time.

The announcement does come as a bombshell and throws all of them back on the headlines. All of TJ’s failures get exposed again, like a testimony against his own mother. He keeps telling her that he’s sorry, and no matter how many times she strokes his cheek, telling him not to worry about it, he can’t get entirely rid of the feeling he’s ruining everything, for everyone.

He survives the first meetings, smiling and waving to the crowd like Doug wants him to, when the only thing he wants is to crawl somewhere so deep no one would ever find him ever again. Bud isn’t there. Elaine has decided she would do it without him, and TJ knows well that what his mother wants, she usually gets. So it’s just Doug, Grandma and TJ.

But then, Grandma dies. And TJ sinks. She was the only one who tried –at least tried – to _understand_ the how and the why he became that person he hates being. Even if himself doesn’t understand, and could never tell her, she tried. And without her, he feels so lost he can’t find any other solutions.

So he starts using again. To forget he’s alone. To get a kick. To start feeling something else than the void eating his heart slowly. He hides it rather well, he thinks. Or everyone is too busy with everything else to even care. Which is probably more plausible.

The rest of Elaine’s campaign is kind of a blur to him. But it gets well, which means parties, and TJ has always been good at partying. Especially when he’s a little high. But he tries to be careful never to take too much. Not for him – God knows right now, he wouldn’t mind an exit like that – but for his mom. She’s so close this time.

She used everything her opponent thought would bring her down and made it a weapon. Without Garcetti facing her, the road is easy. That journalist – Miss Burg, or Berg, he can’t ever seem to remember… - is back on Elaine’s footsteps, following her everywhere like an excited dog waving its tail. When she’s not busy fucking with Doug in dark corners…

TJ couldn’t help himself but call Doug out the day he walked on them. TJ likes Anne, and the wedding was barely a year back… “You’re just like dad” he spits at Doug’s face when Doug tries to explain and convince him not to talk. The resentful look he gets in return could almost be funny. He gets a nice black eye that day, and Doug keeps on looking at him with suspicious eyes every time TJ gets near Anne. But TJ doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t really know why, and he doesn’t care either. At least, Doug and the journalist are more discreet after that incident.

\----

_A year ago_

Primaries start for good, and Elaine drags him along with Doug everywhere she goes. If he refuses, he has to stay with Bud. Frankly, he can’t really decide which one is the worst. He’s over thirty now, he’s not a child anymore…

TJ doesn’t even remember what happens between January and November. It’s just a successions of meetings – smiling, waving – and parties – drinking, getting high – that just melt into one another. When he’s not high, he’s most likely drunk. When he’s none, he feels like he could rip off his own skin to try and stop from feeling so out of place.

Some moments are high-lighted – a piano concert he gives for a charity. A teenage boy telling him how much TJ helped him accepting his homosexuality. A meeting during which his path crossed Sean’s. A needy, messy kiss between doors before both kept going as if nothing had happened. Even if his heart aches so much afterwards he has to get completely wasted to forget it, he still counts it as a nice memory. A woman of his mother’s age telling him he was amazingly brave and he should keep hanging on.

Little silver linings.

Then it’s November. And Elaine wins. Of course, TJ is partying harder than anyone else. He truly is happy for his mother. But he also needs to forget that her win means he’s thrown back in the pit for 4 years.

When she tells him, couple of weeks after, that he’ll be moving in the White House with her, the argument that follows is huge, and TJ already had a bad day – he’s short on drugs, and he needs to meet with Omar to get a refill. His skin feels like it’s crawling and buzzing everywhere and he is short-tempered and he knows that getting angry is not going to help him. But he can’t stop himself, and he ends up yelling at his mother before slamming the door behind himself.

He refuses the chauffeur’s offer to take his mother’s car and walks until he can get a taxi. He ends up in his club – well, not his anymore, thanks to Bud, but he’s still welcome here, even if he knows it’s just for his name. Omar is already waiting for him there, and he feels better already just knowing relief is finally within his reach.

Maybe he takes a little too much. Or he shouldn’t have drunk that much on top of it. He doesn’t really care. He feels so much more alive suddenly, it could be painful if it wasn’t that thrilling.

 But thing is, when this guy starts flirting with him, TJ just doesn’t see the quick light of disgust that goes in his eyes just before he opens his mouth. He’s tall, with light hair, and somehow reminds him of… TJ rejects that thought. He doesn’t want to think about that. He just wants to have fun. Forget everything. So they dance, laugh, kiss, until TJ, feeling bold, slides his hand between them to stroke the guy’s crotch. But the guy – David, that’s the name he screamed in his ear above the music - catches his hand and laughs as he says “What are you doing, poster boy?” TJ shoots him his best smile as he shrugs. David smiles back, takes his hand and drags him out of the club in a backstreet where – hopefully -no one would interrupt them.

They keep making out for a while, until a dry voice suddenly resounds in the empty street.

“Good job, David…”

David breaks the kiss and steps away from TJ.

“Wasn’t even that hard” he says with a depreciative smirk, looking up and down at TJ like some rotten food.

“What?...” TJ starts asking, confused. He’s interrupted by a violent hit that rips a whine out of his throat and leaves his head ringing as he fights to keep standing up. “What do you want?” he manages to say, stepping further back in the street.

“We don’t _want_ anything from you, freak.”

“God has judged you and found you guilty. What you do – what you are - is unnatural. We can’t let you strut about and infect our children. We can’t let your mother encourage this type of abnormalities.” The man is smaller than David, but way larger. He looks at TJ with revulsion as he steps closer and closer. TJ keeps walking back, matching the man’s steps until his back hits the wall. He can feel the terror growing inside of him, despite how high he is, and he knows there’s no one to save him now. Because no one knows he’s there anyway.

“You’re going to die tonight. You will take your deserved place in hell. It will be one less of your kind here and maybe your dear mom _Mrs President_ will think twice before talking so lightly…”

TJ tries to desperately lash out, but it takes David less than ten seconds to pin his arms behind his back and hold him defenseless.

“Look at that, Dad… He’s not even fighting…” David’s quietly ironic. “It was a nightmare to kiss you, _freak_.” He whispers in TJ’s ear. “May God forgive me for what I’ve done…”

“And he shall, David…” the man says, stepping closer to TJ. The thought of begging crosses his mind for a second, but he’s not yet that low. He never apologized for what he was, and he doesn’t intend to start tonight.

His resolution holds the first blows –head, crotch, head again, ribs... Everywhere painful the man can reach. He quickly loses track of time, but it seems to last forever. Then a vicious blow to the rib empties his lungs and he can barely finds his breath anymore. He thinks he felt something breaking. Breathing hurts so much. His brain starts working on auto-pilot as he hears his own voice saying “Please… Please stop…”

“You are beyond salvation, poor soul” he hears the man saying. He sounds really pained by what he’s saying, and TJ can’t hold a chuckle at that idea. He spits blood at the man’s feet.

“I’m not… I’m…” Another blow to the head made him lose his train of thoughts. One of his eyes is already starting to swell and the other one is blinded by the blood running from his forehead – at least he thinks. The man grabs him by the collar and pulls him close. Even through the fog that invades his mind and the red vail over his eyes, TJ can see the rage deforming the man’s face.

“Hey!!”

He hears footsteps running their way and he can’t help but foolishly hope.

“Hey, stop that!” it’s a girl’s voice, oh my god, they are going to crush her…

TJ hears a loud smacking noise as the man who was beating the shit out of him let go of his collar. He then hears a spray sound and the man starts to howl in pain. David lets go of TJ, and without the support, TJ can do nothing but fall on the ground. Between the beating and the drugs, he’s so out of himself he doesn’t even have the reflex to use his hands to absorb the bump and falls flat on his face. He ends up facing the other way from the fight and can’t even find the strength to move. So he listens. Tries to at least.

“You bitch…” David hisses “You can’t pepper-spray me now, uh? Mind your own business, would you, babydoll?”

“Shut the fuck up, you sick bastard”

TJ hears the sound of something hitting something else and a slightly too high shriek from David. Then suddenly, two hands grab him under his armpit. He tries to struggle weakly but let himself get dragged when he hears the woman’s voice “Come on, we don’t have time… I hit him hard, but he’ll be up soon…”

He can barely walk straight and leans heavily on her. She doesn’t protest, just walks as fast as he can take it, looking regularly over her shoulders to see if they are followed. She drags him back inside the club, the bouncer following them inside, and TJ can now barely get him say “What happen? Oh fuck, it’s the Hammond kid…”

“Call an ambulance, would you…” the woman orders him. TJ thinks he hears footsteps fading away, but now the music is too loud and he can’t process and everything is a blur…

But quickly – far too quickly – he focuses back and gives out a light moan.

“’m gonna throw up…” he manages to say.

She helps him leaning on one side when he empties the very few things he had in his stomach – alcohol mostly, if he has to be honest. Then she makes him get away from his own vomit and sit back against the wall. He can’t help shivering and she takes off her vest to wrap it on his shoulders. She looks worried. He feels sorry for troubling her.

“Can you talk to me?” she asks in a soft voice. He looks at her, trying to process what she’s saying. He’s too high, and too many things happened in the past five minutes, so he does hear her, but can’t seem to understand. He probably looks stupid, with his mouth hanging slightly open and void in his eyes. After ten seconds, she looks even more worried and TJ understands even less. Why would she care? “Hey… Can you hear me?” Her hand is light and fresh on his burning cheek.

She has the strangest eyes he’s ever seen. One is clear blue, like a summer sky. The other one is light brown. Nearly golden.

“Are they your real eyes?” he manages to ask, his tongue tripping on the words.

She can’t hold back a laugh and for a second, the worry disappears from her eyes.

“Are you high?” she asks.

“Very much…” he barely articulates, but from the small shake of her head, he’s pretty sure she got it. He feels his eyes closing again. He’s exhausted. Empty. Feels like shit. It’s a little too much.

“Hey, you stay with me, ok?”

He hums quietly, his head leaning heavily against her hand. He would really like to try. Staying with her. But he’s tired. So tired…

He can’t hear the music anymore…


	3. See you, then…

First thing he hears is the repetitive bips of the cardiac monitor. He has a master degree in recognizing these now. He keeps his eyes closed because he already feels his head hurting like hell. Someone is holding his hand.

There’s something bothering him in his throat and he tries to swallow but it doesn’t make it go away.

“Doug… go get someone, I think he’s waking up!”

He finally gathers enough will to roll his head towards the voice and actually trying to open his eyes. One does – just enough for the light to hurt all the way up to his head. The other just stays closed.

“Hey mum…” he manages to mumble.

“Oh my God, TJ…“ He feels her hand leaving his and stroking his face, carefully. “How do you feel, sweetie?”

“ ‘m sorry mum… I didn’t…”

“Shhhh… don’t worry about any of this, ok? You’ll be all right…”

“I… Did they… Is she…?” Elaine starts stroking his hair, gently. It’s smoothing and nice, and TJ stops trying to speak.

“Shh, shh…. We’ll talk about it once you get better, ok, sweetheart? Everything is fine…”

He’s already exhausted so he just nods and leans in her touch with a sigh. When Doug comes back with a doctor, TJ is unfortunately asked to do a certain amount of things – “Follow my finger… look up… what day is it today? What’s the last thing you remember?” …… - before they actually let him sink back into a heavy sleep.

\----

His head hurts a lot less next time he wakes up, but he feels like he lies on cotton candies, so he guess they gave him painkillers. He thinks he’s alone, and when he opens his eyes – his eye - , he stares at the ceiling, trying to accustom to the light, blinking fast to chase the tears.

“Well… you sleep like a dog…” He jumps a little, which pull a cry of pain out of his mouth. “Oh fuck, sorry… I didn’t mean to scare you…” He turns his head only to face a pair of marvelous odd eyes. He might stare a little. “Hello…” the woman says after a couple of seconds, with a charming smile. “It appears you got a couple of broken ribs, so I wouldn’t move too much if I were you…”

“How… what… you…” TJ is not gone enough not to realize he sounds completely stupid. He curses himself in his mind, but she keeps smiling, pulling away the book she was holding to take his hand.

“Hey, calm down, ok? Everything’s fine….  My name is Kat, by the way” she adds.

“TJ…”

“Yeah, I got that far when I crossed your mother’s way yesterday…” she answers with a teasing smile.

“Aww… Sorry… hope she wasn’t too much of a pain…”

“She was charming.”

TJ chews at his bottom lip for a couple of seconds before saying “Thank you. For… you know…”

She shakes her head, looking a little sad “You don’t have to thank me, TJ. That’s terrible, what they did to you…”

“Yeah, still… I don’t think everyone would have just run there head first, so… thanks.”

“You are quite welcome” She’s smiling at him again and he wriggles a little, uneasy, trying to sit a little straighter. He can’t hold back a groan of pain and his breathing is short and wheezing a little. She stands up immediately and helps him, repositioning the pillows and making sure he’s comfortable. “You know, you can ask for help…” she says a little wryly.

“Think you helped me enough, haven’t you?” he says, keeping his eyes on his own hands, on his lap. “Why did you come here anyway?”

He doesn’t get an answer, so he looks up. She’s frowning at him, as if she didn’t really like what she was seeing, but not in a disgusted way like David and his father were looking at him… More like it was making her sad. But she smiles gently as soon as he makes eyes contact.

“I just wanted to be sure you were fine. You scared the hell out of me yesterday, you know…”

“Sorry…”

“Don’t be. You’re fine now. It’s all good.” TJ looks around in the room, trying to see if there’s any sign of anyone of his family. Kat follows his gaze. “Your brother had a thing to take care of, I told him I would stay until you father arrives…” she explains.

TJ nods with a sigh. Of course. He wonders for a second if Miss Berg is what Doug has to care of, but he’s too tired to give it too much thoughts. He shouldn’t really be surprised to be there alone, right? After all, both his parents always made it clear that’s the most important thing in their family was their political careers… TJ knows he’s the one to blame the most for what he did with himself, but he’s not yet that much of a fool to ignore that the circumstances never helped him…

Kat must feel the anger waving out of him because she strokes his arm lightly and says “hey… you’re not alone, ok?”

“Yeah, right…” he can’t help but being a sarcastic little shit sometimes.

“Yeah, right…” she repeats, defying him with a smile on her face. He doesn’t even know how to react. He stares at her and takes time to actually look at her for the first time since their messy encounter. She’s a curvy, tall woman, with straight black hair that makes her amazing eyes stand out. Her face is oval and her full lips are still stretched in half a smile as she lets him stare at her without saying a word. Her hair have strands of blue in them, and her ears probably have like… 5 piercings each, and she has one more on the right eyebrow. He can see a scar on her neck, disappearing under her leather jacket.

“Really?” he tries to say in an incredulous voice, desperate to move on. “A stud leather jacket?”

She chuckles. “Oh come on, don’t lie… You love it…” Here comes the teasing smile again, and TJ finds himself smiling back like an idiot.

Her eyes focus on something on the other side, so he turns his head to see his father talking with one of the doctors.

“You know, I heard them talking about your blood result… They’ll tell your family you were high as a fucking kite…”

“Yeah… I know…” TJ sighs. He didn’t want them to find out, especially not that way. “Guess I just won another round in rehab…”

“If you don’t mind me asking… How many…?”

“It’ll be the third. It’s not working that well for me…”

“Maybe you just didn’t have the right persons around you...” TJ looks at her, puzzled. She returns his gaze, without batting an eyelid. But before he can ask her anything, Bud comes in and Kat immediately stand up.

“TJ! How do you feel, boy?”

“ ‘m fine, dad…”

“Hi, I’m Bud.” His father tells Kat. TJ is not even sure Bud actually listened to his answer. “And you must be Miss Howell, right?” Kat only has time to nod as Bud holds her hand prisoner in his. “Thank you so much for what you did for TJ. He would probably be dead without you, you have our eternal gratitude. If ever I can be of any assistance,…”

“Thank you very much, Sir. I don’t… I’m fine” Kat says with a little nod, freeing her hand. “He’ll be good, so I’m just happy about that.”

“Still. Keep it in mind. Anytime…”

“Thanks, Sir.” She repeats. TJ can see Bud eyeing Kat upside down and he knows his father damn well, so he knows he likes what he sees. After a second of silence, Kat announces “I should probably go and leave you now… I’d love to see you again, if you want to” she adds, looking at TJ.

“Yeah, I’d love that too” he immediately answers. “Maybe you could give me your phone…”

His cellphone is carefully laid on the bedside table, so he gives it to her and after she typed her number, he makes her own phone rings, both to be sure it’s really hers and to give her his. She grabs her book and nods goodbye at Bud, then gives TJ a last smile “See you then…” before disappearing.

“Well, ain’t she a beauty…” Bud says as soon as the door is closed.

“Dad… She could be your daughter…” TJ can’t help pointing out.

“Hmmm… A little too singular maybe, but still… Wouldn’t mind…”

“Oh Dad, please…” TJ is slightly disgusted now.

“Yes, right. How do you feel? They didn’t miss you…”

“I’m fine, Dad. I’m tired, that’s all.” That’s not true. Breathing hurts like hell and he feels dizzy, but his father playing all concerned is pissing him off. Plus he knows what’s coming.

“Good. That’s good. They say they want to keep you one more day…” TJ nods and let the silence settles between them as he closes his eyes. “TJ…” Bud calls and TJ hums in response. “Your blood tests came back…”

“I know” he growls. “ ‘m sorry Dad, I really tried…”

“Look at me, would you?” TJ sighs before opening his eyes. “You can’t keep on like that, son…” TJ looks away with an incredulous chuckles. He was keeping on like that quite all right so far… “It’s not funny, TJ… It’s the third time you nearly…”

“Oh Dad, don’t make this one my fault, now, would you?” TJ exclaims before letting go of a stream of expletives. Ok, so yelling is definitely not a good idea, because now he feels like someone is stabbing him in the chest every time he breathes in. The bips of the monitors stampeded for a while as a doctor and a couple of nurses push Bud away from the bed as they make sure TJ is fine. They give him a little more painkillers before leaving the room, asking Bud to allow his son to rest. TJ is laying down again and keeps his eyes closed when Bud talks again.

“Your mother and I decided to send you back to Fairfax.”

“Fine.”

“TJ… We want to help you, you know it, right?”

TJ pretends to be asleep so he doesn’t have to answer. He doesn’t know. How could he? His parents were never here for him. Sure, they accepted him as gay, but coming out publicly the way he did, with his father in the position he was? They couldn’t have done anything else really… TJ knows he’s probably not really unbiased here, but he sometimes feels like it’s the only thing they ever did for him. Like he’s always been a burden and a disappointment for them. And now, they just send him to rehab, again,  like he’s not mature enough to know what he wants with and for himself and like this time it will magically work better than the last two.

He can’t pinpoint the moment he stops pretending and actually fall asleep.

\----

_Are you free today? Bored and alone in hospital room._

Elaine had to go and be President, Doug is following her and Bud… God knows where Bud is, but TJ doesn’t really care. He sends Kat the message, not hoping for much, but…

_Be there in 10_ _:)_

TJ can’t help smiling. He likes her. She’s disturbing and she always seems to be reading in him like he was an open book, but he feels comfortable around her. It’s a nice feeling that he had lost for quite a long time.

Kat shoots him her brightest smile when she enters the room and he returns it immediately.

“Sorry again about my father yesterday…”

“What about you stopped being sorry all the time, TJ? I’m sure you’d feel so much better…” He looks at her, confused, as she laughs a little. “Not your fault. I survived, see?” He nods. “So… what do you want to do?”

He thinks for a solid minute before answering “I’d like to know you better, if you’re ok…”

She squeezes her eyes. “I’ll answer your questions if you answer mine…”

“Deal!”

“Ok, you start then, sunshine…”

TJ stares at her before reaching his decision. “Is it your real eye color?”

Kat burst out laughing “Oh boy… I wasn’t expecting such a personal inquisition, I’m offended!” She sweeps an imaginary tear of her eyes before answering. “Unfortunately, yes.”

“Why unfortunately? They are gorgeous…”

“They make people uncomfortable.”

“They don’t make me uncomfortable. They are just perfect.” TJ says, his own eyes jumping from her brown eye to her blue one.

“Maybe you’re not like most people then…” she adds with a smile. “My turn.”

For half an hour, they answers stupid questions like “What is your favorite type of tea?” or “What was you dream job when you were 10?” Then suddenly, out of nowhere, Kat asks with an amused smile “So…are you strictly into guys?”

“Oh, so I start slow and easy and you hit me back at full speed then?” TJ protests and she shrugs and shoots him a “sorry” that sounds so not sorry it’s actually offensive. “Depends on what you mean… Every once in a while, it clicks with a woman but yeah, I am mostly into guys… You?”

“I don’t like boxes” she says with an unreadable look.

“So… You’re bi?”

“I still don’t like boxes.” She repeats with a chuckle. “I don’t think like that. I’m doing whatever I’m doing with whoever I feel like it at the moment, that’s all…” she explains after TJ frowns in lack of understanding. TJ laughs at that declaration, still not entirely sure to understand.

“What planet are you from?” he asks.

“Hey, it’s my turn to ask!” she protests with a laugh.

For the next couple of hours, they keep on going, throwing questions and answers back at one another. TJ really feels fine around her. Maybe because she doesn’t look at him like he’s ruined his own life and he’s about to break down again. Maybe because she makes him laugh. He doesn’t really care.

When the nurse come to tell her the visit hours are over, she starts to stand up but he grabs her wrist, stopping her in her movement immediately.

“I’m going to rehab tomorrow. For a couple of weeks I think… So I might not reach you for a while, but I’d like to see you again once I’m out if you’re ok…”

“Ok” he’s surprised to see no disappointment of revulsion in her eyes. “Where?”

“What?”

“Where are you going? Rehab?”

“Oh…Fairfax. It’s…”

“I know where it is. I’ll try to come and visit you, if you want.”

“There were no visits last time I went…”

“Don’t worry about that, sunshine…” She kisses him lightly. “I know my ways.” She winks as she leaves him to his thoughts.


	4. If you say so…

TJ was right. No visit allowed for the duration of the stay, apart from family. Two weeks. He just does what he’s asked, because he knows there’s no way out of it – he tried the first time they sent him here, and he didn’t like the result… He tries to look interested, to participate in the group reunions, but he doesn’t believe a word he’s saying. Withdrawal is painful and he breaks down a couple of time in the first few days.

There’s a piano in one of the rooms, and he charmed one of the nurses so she would give him a working key. The other nurses all like him too much to take that away from him. Playing piano soothes him and gets his mind off the mess he’s made with his own life. Room is soundproof, so even if nightmares wake him up in the middle of the night, he just sneaks out of his room and spends hours playing until someone comes in and orders him to go back to bed.

He is there right now, alone, and he lets his mind wandering as his fingers runs on the keyboard with a life on their own. He gently strokes the black and white keys, creating a brand new melody he probably won’t be able to replicate if asked for it. He’s on automatic pilot. He softly places the last chords and let them resound around him as he tries to reconnect with reality. He likes that feeling of being out of himself he sometimes manages to reach when playing piano. It’s relaxing and he always feels more present afterwards.

“That was… wonderful, TJ…”

TJ jumps and turns around, startled. Kat is leaning on the doorframe, and a tear is running down her cheek. He gets up and takes her in his arms after wiping her tear away with his thumb. She immediately returns the hug.

“How did you…? I’m not supposed to see anyone…”

“…Told you I had my ways” she shrugs with a smile. “I brought coffee…. _Real_ coffee, I mean…” She shows him a thermos flask she has in her handbag.

“Oh God… I love you!” TJ exclaims as she laughs a little. “What the hell have you done to your hair?” he can’t help asking, stepping back a little to get a better look.

“I just needed a change, you know…”

The blue strands are gone, so is the inverted bob she used to have. Both sides of her head are shaved and the rest of her hair is gathered in an impressive Mohawk. Only the very end of her hair is died in blood red. TJ looks at her for a couple more seconds then nods.

“Yeah, I like it…”

“Thank you, I wouldn’t have survived without your approval” she teases him but he can see she’s pleased.  “Come on, it’s sunny outside, let’s go in the garden and enjoy it…”

They do have a nice time. TJ relishes the coffee that tastes so much better than the piss thing they have here. They lay down on the grass, his head on her thighs and they bath in the sun. For the first time in days, TJ feels all right.

“Your eye healed nicely…” Kat points out, her finger lightly running on his face.

“Yeah, I can open it now at least…” TJ answers lazily.

“How’re your ribs?”

“Hmmm… fine. Just can’t move fast, that’s all… Haven’t tried to run a marathon yet…”

Kat laughs at that idea. “I’m not sure you would be capable of it even physically fit, sweetheart…”

“Your lack of faith is insulting, Kat…” She laughs again as an answer. “Thanks again for the coffee” he adds, giving her back the cup they had to share.

“Yeah… I know how it tastes here, I felt terrible for you…”

TJ lets a few seconds run, in case she wants to say something else, but she doesn’t, so he ends up asking.

“When?” She sighs.

“Ten years ago. Not cocaine, tho. Painkillers. Nearly killed myself nevertheless…” She talks in a mechanic voice and TJ writhes so he can see her face. He hasn’t noticed the dream catcher tattoo behind her left ear. His eyes fix on it before locking into hers. She smiles, reassuring.

“And you’ve been clean ever since?” TJ asked, unbelieving.

“Yes, sir” she answers rather proudly. “Like I told you, it’s all about being with the right persons… And I’ve been very lucky.”

“I’m not a very lucky guy…”

“If you say so…” He looks at her and she just smiles again and strokes his hair out of his forehead. “Can I ask you something?” He nods. “How did you start?”

TJ remains silent, not because he doesn’t want to answer, but to find the right way.

“During my father’s first mandate. I didn’t cope really well with life in the White House… You know… The fishball…Too many people I didn’t know and had to respect. People that expected things from me. Furniture that never felt mine. Parents too busy being important…” He stops to take a deep breathing.  “Doug took everything quite well. He just fitted in so well… I couldn’t. I felt like a groundfish being dragged to the surface too fast and exploding, you know…” Kat just reaches for his hand and squeezes it. “It started with only weeds… and booze. I remember the first time I really got high… It was in the Lincoln Bedroom. I found it incredibly funny… My mom… not so much… Anyway… I started stealing pills… from my grandma or my parents, from handbags of employees… I didn’t really care as long as it gave me a little kick, you know… Help me feel like home.”

“Did it work?”

“Not really… Well, I did feel better, but it never lasted… Until I found coke. I mean… The feeling is… I just didn’t care anymore. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t as good as Doug was, that I wasn’t interested in politics, that I was gay… Everything was always fine.”

“But it was a lie, TJ…”

“I know… But it was still better than what I had…”

Kat brings his hand to her mouth and plant a light kiss on it. “Let’s try to make what you have better, then, shall we?”

TJ’s heart tightens in his chest. He knows he can’t do that. He tried. He really tried. And it always came back to slap him right in the face. So he doesn’t answer.

“What’s your story?” he asks instead.

“Ah.” She smiles sadly. “I was going to Edison to see my grandparents with my family when we got hit by a drunk guy who took the highway the wrong way. I’m the only one who survived.” She was talking with that cold mechanic voice again.

“I’m sorry, Kat…”

“Thanks. I made my peace with that, you know. Took a long time, but I’m fine now. Anyway… I got hurt really bad. I was in a coma for a couple of months, and it took six months more before I could leave hospital and even more before I actually started walking on my own again.” TJ raises his hand and follow the winding path of the scar on her neck. She shivers a little but keeps on talking. “That’s when I started taking painkillers. First it was justified. Then… I just never stopped. And I took more and more. Mixed with alcohol, it’s a rather explosive reaction. I nearly died, my grandparents sent me here… And I’ll never thank them enough for it.”

They both remain silent for a while. TJ wonders how far the scar goes, but he knows better than ask her. He put his hand back on his lap.

“Don’t you miss it sometimes? That feeling that… you’re invincible?”

Kat thinks before answering. “You can find it in other ways, you know…”

“Will you show me?” Kat nods, as TJ stretches his neck to look at her.

“Miss Howell! What a pleasure!”

Both jump a little and TJ straightens up so Kat can get up and shake hands with the newcomer. “Doc Phil! It’s nice seeing you again!”

“So… nurses told me you and TJ are friends…”

Kat and TJ share an outlook and he smiles. “I guess we’re getting there, yes.” Kat answers, smiling too.

“Good. Will we finally convince you to sponsor?”

“I haven’t asked him if he was interested, and frankly I think it’s important he’s the one who chooses. But yeah… If he wants me, I’ll be in.”

TJ gawps and keeps silent as the idea travels in his mind.

“You would?” he ends up asking, feeling suddenly incredibly vulnerable.

“Yeah. Sure.” There’s no hesitation. Not in the voice. Nor in the eyes. She really wants to help him. So TJ starts thinking that maybe, just maybe, this time it might work out well for him. That he might have found at least just one right person. God knows it’ll probably never be enough, but it’s better than none, right?

“O… ok.”

“Ok.”

\----

Kat keeps on coming every day or so, and they just talk about their past and share their stories. It’s nice to get to know someone who doesn’t seem to hold any prejudices about you. TJ is amazed how quickly he starts to feel more comfortable around her than around anyone else he knows… including his own family.

She’s an artist. Freelance. Works better in the evening and at night, that’s why she can always find time to come and see him during daytime. Right now is a bit of a low for her, only a few commands. That’s when she mentions she’s looking for a roommate.

They don’t have any taboos, about anything. Kat never sponsored before, so she’s a little lost, but TJ feels she’ll be perfect. She doesn’t tell him it’s going to be easy, but she swears she’ll try her best to be here whenever he needs to.

He’s a little scared that she’ll say no when he asks her. Because after all, they know each other not even for three weeks, and she’s already doing so much… It was stupid to be scared. She only gives him an open smile “Thought you would never ask…”

Saying that Elaine is not particularly pleased with the idea is something of an understatement. But TJ stands his ground and he’s backed up by Doctor Phil and a good half of the nurses, all of whom only have incredibly nice things to say about Kat.

Once she agrees and they all leave, she can’t help muttering.

“I knew there was something wrong with her, she’s too… too…”

“Mom… stop it. I like her. She wants to help. Why isn’t it enough?”

“Because I can’t look after you anymore, TJ…” Elaine burst out. “What if it ends wrong?”

“What if this time it works? Mom, we can’t keep going the way we did… I mean… It didn’t work anyway…”

Elaine looks at him with so much concern it’s ridiculous really, considering she can’t be there anymore for him, being President and all. The best she could do is just stop caring. TJ won’t tell her that, he knows how she would react. But he can’t stop thinking it.

“Fine. Fine. Let’s give it a try.” She surrenders, pulling TJ in for a hug. “Please be fine, darling… That’s all that matters.”

“Yeah mom, I’ll do my best.” He swears. He’s only half lying. He really hopes Kat will help him. If she made it, maybe she can help him to recover too.

“I have to ask to get your room prepared for next week…” Elaine says after a silence, thinking aloud.

TJ looks at her, incredulous. “I’m not going to live in the White House again, mom.”

“It’s out of the question you live anywhere on your own, young man.”

“Mom, it’s living back there who throw me in all this in the first place. There’s no way I’m going back!” TJ starts to feel mad. How can she even think about that?

“Fine, alright” Elaine says, just as aggressive as he just was. “If you don’t come with me, you go to your father’s.”

“No.” Before she can open her mouth, he adds “I’m moving in Kat’s apartment. She was looking for a roommate to help with the rent anyway. Dad talked to everyone about it and agreed to help me pay the first months, so you don’t have to bother about it.”

“Oh well, then I’m alone against everyone, is it?” she asks, slightly resentful.

“I’m not asking for your permission, mom. I’m just telling you.”  Elaine shoots him a skeptical look. “I’m trying to regain control over my life, mom. Can you just let me?”

Elaine sighs and shakes her head. “Don’t come and cry on me when it goes wrong…”

“It won’t go wrong, mom. Not this time”

“I hope so…”


	5. That’s what friends are for

Kat comes and takes TJ back home. Elaine can’t be here (what a surprise…) but Doug and Bud will come and eat with them this night to see where TJ’s living.

“Your father had a little gift delivered for you” Kat announces as she opens the door and let him enter first.

“Oh really? Not too bad taste I hope?” he asks as he gets a look around the corridor extending ahead of them.

“First on your right, living room and kitchen.” She only answers. She waits for him to halt brutally, gaping a little. “I think you’ll love it.” She then whispers in his ear and he can _hear_ her little satisfied smile.

There’s a piano sitting in the living room. The parlor grand piano that’s usually sitting in Bud’s living room.

“Holy shit…” TJ can’t find anything else to say, stepping closer.

“Your father is trying really hard to help, you know…” He runs his hand on the smooth closed lid.

“Yeah, I guess he is…” He finally takes a look at the rest of the room. The kitchen and the living room are separated by a counter and it’s ample and comfortable. Warm. Feels like whoever you are, you’re welcome here.

“You like what you see?”

“Hell yeah! I hope the piano didn’t force you to get rid of any of your furniture…”

Kat laughs. “Actually, it was most welcomed, my living room felt a little empty… But we weren’t sure about how to get it in… We found a way “ she shrugs.

The living room is big enough that, even with the grand piano, there’s still space between it and the huge couch facing the TV. TJ crushes in it, sinking in the pillows with a groan of delight.

“Come on, pretty boy, let me show you your room…”

Kat drags him out of the couch and along the corridor, pointing at the first door to the left, facing the living room. “That’s my bedroom”, then the second one on the right “bathroom”, then on the left “that’s my drawing room, it’s a mess…”, the third  on the left “toilets” then finally the last one to the right “and that’s gonna be your bedroom…” TJ opens the door to discover a square, large room with a double bed, a desk facing a broad window and a little armchair. There are empty bookshelves against one wall.

“Holy shit…” TJ says again.

“I guess you like it then?” Kat asks with a smile. “Doug said he was bringing your books and other stuffs with him tonight, so you can make it a little more like home…”

TJ turns around, grabs Kat by placing his hands on her cheeks and give her a light kiss. She pushes him away with a laugh. “What’s that about?”

“That’s just… perfect…” He ends up declaring, looking around him again.

“Ok, sweetie, then… House rules… I’m not your cleaning lady, so you help with household and grocery shopping, otherwise I’ll make you pay in a long and painful way…”

“Yes Ma’am” TJ answers, mimicking a military salute.

“Dishes are done immediately after dinner, out of exceptional circumstances. If it’s not done, I’ll put them in your bed.”

“God, aren’t you some kind of dictator?” TJ teases her and she just sticks out her tongue. TJ realizes, amused, that she has a piercing on it too. They are walking back to the living room while talking.

“Unlike what you seem to think, out of those two rules, I’m quite flexible. I don’t mind mess, as long as it’s not too dirty… So basically, make yourself home, I won’t yell at you because you let books or anything else in the common room… Just try not to let your dirty underwear in strange places, please…”

TJ nods, chuckling a little under his breath. “I’ll try my best, Kat, I promise…”

“Thanks! Last point… Our rooms are distant enough so you shouldn’t hear anything coming from mine nor the other way around. So feel free to bring whoever you want back home. If you want, we can set up some kind of signal… But really, I don’t mind anything, as long as I don’t walk on you doing it on the couch… Otherwise, risk is I might want to join in…”

TJ remains still, dazed for a second, then burst out laughing. “You shouldn’t give me ideas like that!” Kat winks at him as the doorbell rings.

“Off you go, that’s probably for you!” she pushes him to the door.

\-----

The evening is nice. Bud might try to hit on Kat again, but she’s so not interested it amuses TJ to watch her give Bud the brush-off. Doug helps TJ setting his stuffs and they quietly talk as they used to sometimes. TJ misses it so much. They laugh a lot during the dinner. TJ feels light. Happy. Comfortable. These are nice feelings. He hugs his brother and father tight before they leave. TJ’s going to see Doug again the next day, because he swore he would go and see Elaine at the White House.

For once, TJ falls asleep quickly after crushing on his bed.

He wakes up with soft hands shaking him gently and a softer voice whispering in the dark.

“Come on, TJ, wake up now, it’s just a nightmare, you’re safe…”

He opens his eyes and jumps out of reach, knocking his head against the wall behind him. He let go of a moan of pain while Kat hushes, takes him in her arms and lulls him until his breathing steadies. He holds on to her shoulder and her back, his face buried in the nape of her neck. Once he stops shivering, she asks in an even voice“Do you have them often?”

“Every night” he whispers back.

“The backstreet?” He only nods in response. In his nightmare, no one is there to save him. And it seems so real. So much more logical than what really happened. He always have trouble getting his head out of it once he wakes up. But he doesn’t know how to say it. So he doesn’t even try.

“ ’m sorry I woke you up…”

“You didn’t, TJ.… I was going to the washroom, and I heard you…”

“Sorry… “

“Stop being sorry all the time, it’s not a big deal. No everything is always your fault, you know that?”

He doesn’t answer, instead he brings her down with him as he lays back down on the pillows. She makes herself comfortable, still holding him tight and they remain that way for several minutes.

“Are you ok?” she ends up asking. He hums and nods, eyes closed. “I’ll let you sleep then” she kisses his forehead and tries to stand up.

“No, please… Don’t… don’t leave me?” He holds on to her and leans on, trying to steal a kiss.

“TJ? What are you doing?” Kat asks, confused. TJ immediately freezes, frowning.

“Don’t you want…?”

“TJ, as much as you’re attractive and I would love to have sex with you, there’s no way ever on earth I’ll let you do that just to _thank_ me, or whatever this is for…” TJ looks at her in confusion. He doesn’t understand what’s going on. Usually no one turns him down. Kat seems to understand immediately what’s going on in his mind, and she has this sad look in her eyes again. “TJ… I’m not saying no… I just want you to be sure you want to. I mean… I know you’re not into girls, and I don’t want you to do anything just to please me, ok? I’m here for you. It comes free. That’s what friends are for.”

TJ remains silent, trying to process what she just said. “I guess…” he said hesitantly “I guess I’m not really used to have friends…”

And it’s true. TJ is and has always been an easy-going person, so people usually like him pretty fast, but he can’t think of anyone when he turns down to naming one close friend.

“We’ll take care of that, TJ. We have time. Now if you want me to stay here, I will, no problem.”

“Yes please” he asks, hiding his face in her neck again, ashamed of being scared to go back to sleep.

“Ok” she simply answers. She sinks back in the pillows and brings her hands to stroke his hair in a relaxing rhythm. From where he is, TJ can see the scar on her neck going down on her shoulder before disappearing in her back. He brings a finger up to follow its winding path and she shivers a little under the touch.

“Can I ask you something?” TJ breaks the silence and keeps going after she nods.  “How many other piercings do you have?”

“Only tongue and navel… so far…”

“Aaaah… Heard so much about tongue piercing… Never actually got the chance to know if they were true…”

“What? Are you kidding me?...” He raises an eyebrow at her shocked tone. “TJ… You never got a blowjob from someone with a tongue piercing?”

“Well it’s not as common as you seems to think it is, my dear…”

“Oh god… Such a gap in your education, I will have to fill it one day…”

“How do you even know how good it feels?... From what I can see, you are definitely not a dude…”

Kat burst out laughing before answering, still chuckling a little “Well, the other way ‘round is quite nice, and you know… if you watch closely, you can easily see what pleases men… So far, none complained about my ministrations…”

“So… Something to add on my bucket list, is it?” TJ says with a smirk.

“I’ll show you one day” Kat answers with a pat on his cheek.

“Is that a promise?” he leans toward her to whisper it in her ear. She only answer with that half-smile that could drive him crazy. “I’ll take that as a yes…”

“Close your eyes and try to sleep, naughty boy…”

“Yes Ma’am!”

\----

The next couple of weeks are well filled, between getting used to sharing a flat with someone else, the meetings he’s still due to go to at Fairfax, and the fact that his mother is trying to see him as much as she possibly can.

TJ also wants to find something to do with himself. He still doesn’t really consider giving piano lessons. He wants to do something better with his life. He just can’t seem to find out what.

Nightmares keep coming. But he wakes up in a lesser panic, since he knows he can slither in Kat’s bed and she will just groan, only half awake, but conscious enough to hold him against her as he tries to go back to sleep. They never go any further.

TJ is trying to feel like he belongs here. They have a balanced routine, and Kat’s never averse to calling him out when he does something she doesn’t like, or if he forgets one of their rules.

Whenever he has a hard time, he knows he can go and talks to her. Kat listens to him –really listens. He feels like whatever he says, that’s the most interesting thing she could be listening to, no matter the time or the subject. That’s so much more important for him than he really wants to admit.

He likes to sneak in her “drawing room” and looks at her while she works. She often puts music on – whether it is classical pieces he could name after the first few notes to hard rock depends only on her mood - and she always have this look of focus that makes her eyebrows furrow a little, creating a small crease between them.

There are days when he’s restless, aggressive, and keeps trying to pick up the most stupid fights. He knows how he is on these days and he’s always so sorry about it. Kat is handling him perfectly, never letting him get to her.

It’s at the end of such a day that Kat barges in his room and orders “Get dressed!”

“What?”

“You heard me, TJ…”

“What would I get dressed for?” He’s still a little grumpy and sorry at the same time and he hates himself.

“We’re going out.” She doesn’t even seem to care about his tone. He looks at her with disbelief.

“Are you sure that’s the best idea?”

“Well, sunshine, you’re slightly worked up today, aren’t you? So let’s decompress a little tonight… Anyway I won’t leave you one second, so don’t you dare thinking about anything stupid…”

“What’s the point in going out if you don’t let me do anything to decompress?”

“TJ… I don’t give one flying fuck if you waste yourself on vodka. But if you get close to one single dust of white powder, I’ll kick your ass so badly you won’t be able to sit for a week… ok?”

TJ can’t hold back a little chuckle thinking about that, then sighs. “I guess it’s better than nothing, right?...”

“Right! Now let’s go!” She answers, throwing his pair of jeans at his face, ignoring his muffle cry of protest.


	6. I’m not giving up on you

Kat brings TJ to a night club he didn’t know except by its name and reputation. It’s surprisingly very well balanced between classy and slightly messy and the result is really enjoyable. It’s crowded, but not enough to feel breathless.

TJ is trying to reach the bar to get a drink when someone accosts him. A short, brow-haired man that looks familiar but TJ can’t really figure out where he could possibly have met him.

“Hey, you’re Barrish’s son, right?” the man says (more like screams, because the music is really loud). Oh well, probably someone he saw at a meeting then… “I’m Timothy, a friend of Omar’s…” Ok… guess again, TJ… “If you need anything, I would be more than happy to provide…”

“Fuck off, Timothy!” Kat intervenes coldly, pushing Timothy away from TJ. “He’s clean, and if I see you anywhere near him again, I rip your arms off, ok?” She gives him a smile that carries a promise of long agonizing death. TJ can’t help smiling and thinking he’s very lucky to be on her good side.

Timothy steps back with his arms raised and disappear in the crowd. TJ has to grab Kat by the waist and pull her closer to scream in her ear a thanks over the loud music. She just nods and shrugs, but she still looks incredibly pleased with herself.

\----

TJ starts really enjoying himself and he manages to forget about his shitty day as he dances bunched up with a blond, handsome dude, one of TJ’s hand lost in the dude’s hair. They are currently exploring each other’s mouth with their tongues when TJ feels someone reaching at his pocket from behind. By the time he breaks the kiss and turn around, he only catches a glimpse of Timothy’s short silhouette disappearing again in the crowd. He can feel a new weight in his pocket and he doesn’t even have to check to know what it is.

For a couple of seconds, he thinks about giving it to Kat right away and let her get rid of it. But he can’t help thinking that maybe it could be useful… And if he just take a little… Just tonight. It would be nice to stop struggling. Just one night. A couple of hours. It won’t mean anything. He can start again tomorrow… He earned it, didn’t he? So when his dance partner leans forward and kisses his neck before asking if everything is fine, he just nods and chases his mouth to start kissing him again, dancing even closer. He can feel the man’s whole body against his and he closes his eyes, losing himself in the sensation and letting the music carrying him along.

\----

So it’s not going to go further than dancing with the blond guy, but TJ doesn’t really mind. His thoughts are in his pocket with the gift from Timothy.  He’s back at the bar to get another drink when someone put a hand on his arm. He turns around and cringes. Sean is kindly smiling at him, only a few inches away from him.

“Hey TJ” Sean has to lean in to make sure TJ hears him and TJ can’t help himself but doing the same. “It’s nice to see you.”

“Sean Reeves…” TJ forces himself to answer. “I wouldn’t think of you being a big fan of places like this…”

“It’s a friend’s birthday.” TJ nods and smiles back at him. “I heard about what happened to you, I’m sorry…”

“It’s fine” TJ interrupts him. He doesn’t really want to think about it, and certainly doesn’t want to talk about it with _Sean_ , of all people… But in the same time, he wants Sean to stay here and keep talking…  

Sean smiles again and says “You seemed to have quite a lot of fun with your friend…”

TJ can’t help wondering if he’s imagining the jealousy in Sean’s voice or not… The thought makes him smile wider. He tries to think of something to say, but before he can find anything, a woman slides next to Sean and TJ doesn’t even need a full second to recognize her. He feels like his heart is trampled on by an inconsiderate elephant.

“What are you doing, Sean? Everyone’s waiting for you…”

“I’ll be right there… Oh, TJ, this is my wife, Cindy. Cindy, TJ Hammond, President Barrish’s son.”

“Nice to meet you, TJ.”

“Same.” TJ grabs his drink and starts walking away – as far as possible - from the two of them. But Sean grabs his arm before he can get lost on the crowded dance-floor.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Here?” TJ can’t help himself but spit out. “Aren’t you afraid someone might hear you?”

“Please, TJ” Sean begs. “I told Cindy I needed to talk to you about your mother…”

Maybe that’s the worst. TJ can’t say no. He has the proof Sean won’t admit the truth, but he still craves for him, even after all he made TJ go through. He’s almost terrified to realize that he still loves him. Because he also knows it will never be mutual. He still lets Sean drag him to the outside smoking area and, taking the opportunity, he lights up a cigarette, while Sean seems to look for his words.

“I… I’ve been really scared for you, you know…” he’s talking as quietly as he can, looking around them to make sure no one is interested at them.

“Yeah, sure… I guessed so, considering the amount of visits you paid me and all the flowers you sent…” TJ bitterly jokes, exhaling smoke above their heads.

“TJ, please… I’m sorry… I wanted to tell you last time, but it went so fast…” Not fast enough to prevent you from kissing me, TJ thinks. “When I read about your suicide attempt… I never thought you would… I only said what I said to make it easier for you to move on…”

TJ let go of an unbelieving laugh. “Easier? There was _nothing_ easier, Sean… How could you even…”

“Please… Not here… I just wanted to ask you… Maybe you’d be ok for us to get a second chance?”

TJ’s heart probably miss a few beats, because when he reconnects with reality, it beats wildly in his chest and he inhales sharply, feeling like he just reached the surface after being for too long under water. He probably looks completely lost, because Sean just smiles sadly and says “I let you think about it, ok? You still have my phone number?” TJ nods. He never found the courage to delete it. Sean walks back in, leaving TJ with his cigarette and his overwhelmed thoughts.

He can’t deal with this right now, it’s too much. His heart hurts in his chest and he can’t really focus. He doesn’t really understand what just happened and even wonders if it was for real. He stubs out his cigarette and heads for the washroom.

He locks himself in an empty stall and rummage through his pockets. Just like he thought, Timothy left a small bag of cocaine as a welcome gift. TJ objectively knows it’s just a way to get him hooked up again, but right now he’s simply not able to think straight. So he put a little on his hand and starts sniffing it, but he’s almost right away stopped by the sound of the door hitting the wall violently.

“TJ!” Kat sounds completely furious.

“Hey! It’s the men’s restroom” Some poor dude protests.

“Get the fuck out! All of you!” TJ imagines her in all her righteous fury, in her high leather boots, black pants and stud leather jacket, Mohawk, tattoos and piercings proudly there for all to see. He can’t really blame the couple of guys in there to leave as fast as they can.

TJ wipe off his nose to get rid of any trace of powder as he hears her high heels clicking towards his stall.

“Thomas James Hammond! You’d better come out right now or I swear to god I’m gonna…”

“Fine, fine…” he opens the door and ends up literally face to face with Kat. He was right about the overall righteous fury. He would flee too if given the chance. She tears the bag away from his hands

“How much did you take?” TJ sighs and shrugs, then he can’t hold back a little yelp when she smacks the bag at the back of his ear. “How much, TJ?”

“You arrived just in time…” he ends up confessing, looking at his feet.

“For fuck sake, why didn’t you come and get me?” TJ still refuses to look up. “That’s what I’m here for, TJ… I won’t blame you for not giving it to me right away when that son of a bitch slid it in your pocket, but… Can you look at me, please?”

“You knew?” TJ asks, ignoring her request.

“Do you really think I let my eyes off of you one single second since we are here?” He still refuses to look up, but he thinks she’s calming down. “I know it’s hard for you and you need help to say no… I wouldn’t bring you here and leave you alone…” TJ is lost. It does sound like she’s not blaming him, but how could she not?

“I’m sorry I failed you…” he shakes his head and rubs his hands together.

“Oh, TJ…” She pulls him closer into a hug, and he clings to her, hiding his face against her shoulder. “You didn’t, ok? You didn’t failed me, I’m not disappointed. I’m not giving up on you… You’ll stumble again, you know… There’s still a long way… But I’ll be right here, ok? I won’t let you fall….”

“Hey, it’s the men’s restroom, what are…” TJ hears.

“Get the fuck out of here!” Kat yells. TJ chuckles against her shoulder as the door closes back.

“You’re downright terrifying sometimes…” He finally lifts his head and meets her eyes. She strokes his cheeks gently.

“I know” she simply answers with a provocative smile. “Now... tell me… It’s because of that guy, isn’t it?”

TJ takes a deep breath and closes his eyes as he says “He’s Sean…” Kat looks completely shocked for a second.

“THE Sean?” TJ only nods. “What did that bastard wanted with you?”

“I think… I think he just asked me if we could start over…”

Kat goes from shocked to enraged in one second.  “I hope you told him he could shove it up his ass!” TJ doesn’t answer and that’s all she needs to know. “TJ, you can’t let him get to you again… I’m sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but it will end just like last time… I saw that prick with his wife, all smiles and kisses… He will never get out of the closet and he will break you again…” TJ nods, sadness creeping in his chest like a poison. “TJ… You deserve so much more… How can you not see it?...”

TJ feels his eyes burning and he doesn’t want to cry. He knows she’s right about Sean, but… He’s not so sure about deserving anything better. He’s glad when she lets him turn around and she pretends not to see him wiping his tears away. When he turns to her again, she’s emptying the cocaine in the sink and he feels even more like crap.

“I’m going to go and tell him what I think of him and …”

“Please, Kat… Don’t… can we… can we just go home now?” He sounds miserable and he hates it, but he’s exhausted. She immediately stops, puts her arm around his shoulders and smiles at him.

“Sure, TJ… Whatever you need.”

\----

His nightmares are worse than ever this night. To the usual ones about being beat up to death, alone and scared add new ones of Sean telling him again and again how much TJ disgusts him and how he never loved him. He wakes up shaking, feeling completely sick with himself. He ends up sneaking in Kat’s bedroom, where she welcomes him with a hug and lulls him back to sleep.

\-----

Sean starts texting him again in the following days. Telling him he misses TJ at first, then he starts to get bolder and it slides slowly into sexting. TJ doesn’t answer. It doesn’t mean he’s not facing an internal storm of thoughts. Every time his phone rings, Kat gives him a worried look. He ends up finding the courage to send Sean an answer after Sean sent him a picture… TJ nearly finds it ridiculous.

_Stop texting me. Not interested anymore._

_Please. Just give me one more chance. Sean._

_No_

_I can’t find a way to tell you how sorry I am about how it ended. I’ll never forgive myself. I miss you. Sean._

_Leave me alone_

He thinks Sean finally understood when he stops sending him anything for a couple of hours. He’s playing piano for Kat when the doorbell rings. Kat goes to open and he hears her say

“Are you kidding me? What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?”

“I know TJ’s here… Do you mind if I come in?” TJ recognizes the voice over the piano and stops playing right away.

“Fuck yes, I mind.” He hears Kat answering as he heads to the door. Sean is there and Kat doesn’t seem to be willing to let him in… ever.

“Kat… We need to figure this out, just let him…” She gives him a worried look, then crosses her arms on her chest and her face shut down as Sean steps in. TJ goes back to the living room and sits back behind the piano while Sean sits on the couch and Kat stays up behind the kitchen counter, shooting angry glares at the congressman.

“How did you find my address?” TJ asks first.

“Journalists. They think you two are dating, by the way…” Sean smiles, as if the idea was ridiculous. His smile doesn’t last long when he meets Kat’s hateful eyes. “Do you mind me asking why you seem to hate me so much?” he asks her.  Kat starts laughing.

“Why? Really? Maybe you could take a wild guess before you crawl back in your closet, _Sean_ …”

“Kat, please…” TJ tries to calm her down.

“No, don’t you Kat me, TJ!” TJ raises his hands and lets her go. He couldn’t stop her even if he wanted to. And to be honest, he’s glad she’s here, because she’s probably going to tell Sean what he will never have the guts to. She turns back to Sean. “You really have _no_ idea how much you hurt him, do you? I mean, even now when he talks about it, the look in his eyes… You broke him, you tore him apart and you abandoned him there… I can’t even imagine how bad he was when it happened… All that just because you’re too scared of what you are… And you couldn’t even find the courage to just go and see him in the hospital… Not then, not now… He shouldn’t pay for your own failure… And now you just want him to come back to you and pretend everything is fine again?... Really?”  Sean opens his mouth to protest, but she doesn’t give him the chance. “And if you really want to know what I think, I think it’s quite convenient that your old flame reignite just now, just after Elaine Barrish won the election… Don’t you think?”

TJ looks at Sean and feel worthless when he sees the guilty look on Sean’s face. Of course. Why would anyone have any interest in him if it’s not to get to someone else among his family?...

“Get out, Sean… I think I don’t need to hear anything else…” He manages to say despite the lump in his throat.

“Come on, you’re not going to believe her, are you?”

“I’m sure you could convince me, Sean. That’s exactly why I want you to leave. Go back to your dear beloved wife.” TJ tries not to sound bitter, but he thinks he failed miserably. He turns to the piano and starts playing again, as if he was alone.

Sean opens his mouth to protest and Kat intervenes “You heard him. Leave.” She points at the door. “And don’t you dare ever coming back here again…”

Sean looks like he’s about to say something and then suddenly gives up and walks out. TJ just hears the door shutting down behind him, then Kat’s footsteps coming back in the living room. She sits next to him as his fingers stops on the keyboard. He leans against her and lets go of his tears in hysterical sobs. She stays there all along, gently rubbing his back or his hair as he empties himself of all his sadness. She regularly kisses his forehead, whispering “I’m so proud of you TJ…”

When he starts to calm down, she drags him to the couch where she confines him in a bear hug. He lets himself go there, in the warmth of her arms, as his breathing settles down slowly. He doesn’t even feel himself fall asleep.


	7. Tell me about it!

In the following weeks, TJ starts sleeping with a lot of different guys. Rarely twice the same. He just wants to stop thinking, and damn… this works just fine.  Sex has always been something he likes. He loves getting someone else off. He loves getting off. It doesn’t last, but for an instant, he gets back that feeling of invulnerability drugs used to give him.

Thank god, Kat doesn’t say anything against it. She seems to be completely unable to ever be judgmental…  She always hides a small smile and turns the music or the TV up a little if it’s daytime or goes in her bedroom, when TJ locks his bedroom door behind him and his last conquest. TJ doesn’t feel really guilty about the flock of guys he keeps taking back home, because Kat is also quite busy sometimes – boys and girls equally. Certainly not as much as TJ lately, but she doesn’t deny herself anything.

 It’s incredibly freeing to be around her. After years of… Well, yes, his family accepted his homosexuality, but it’s not as if any of them was ok with talking about it in details… Kat seems to have no taboo at all, and TJ finds out that it’s nice to share his experiences and feelings every once in a while, with a friend who’s just happy to listen to you. And talking about her weirdest experiences is quite enlightening for him… And gives him some new ideas….

Moreover his parents always made it clear they didn’t want him to have any improper behavior that could be found out by journalists. So of course, at first TJ is a little scared it could go out in the newspapers – President Barrish’s son is a depraved gay on top of being a drug addict… His mother would kill him… And he knows there are regularly paparazzi in front of the building, waiting for some juicy news…But Kat finds the way out of this, one night they go out.

TJ has had a couple of bad days and he wanted to change his mind, so Kat immediately goes with it and shadows him. But unfortunately, it ends up being a bad night as well, after they cross path with Omar who tries to get him back (again). But Kat is still watching over him like a hawk and stops him from doing yet another stupid thing. As they step out of the night club, TJ can’t help growling when he sees the herd of paparazzi waiting for something interesting. The flashes blind him and he starts to get mad when a journalist asks Kat “Who are you? Did you turn TJ straight? Who are the persons…” He sees Kat shaking her head, then freezing. She turns to him with a mischievous smile and whispers in his ear “Do you trust me? I think I know how to get them off your back…” TJ understands before she even starts leaning toward him. He bring his hand up to cup her face and open his mouth just a little when she starts kissing him. She gets the memo and slides her tongue in his mouth and he can feel her piercing against his tongue. It’s messy, pretty hot and apparently like everything she ever does, passionate and flashes follow one another so closely TJ feels like he’s in broad daylight. “That should keep them busy for a while…” Kat murmurs and he shakes his head, laughing a little. She has this huge grin on her face and give the photographs the finger as they walk by.

“I think my mom is not going to be pleased either way…”

They get in their car as Kat shrugs “Is she ever? At least they won’t go digging anything else but me and my life for a while…”

TJ pauses at that thought. “Kat… What… why… they are going to…”

Kat just smiles, eyes on the road as she drives away. “I don’t care, TJ. Everyone who matters already knows everything about me, so… I just don’t give a shit about the rest of the world. And if it can keep you out of the line of fire for a while, it’s all good for me…”

TJ stares for a while and whispers “What have I ever done to deserve you?...”

Kat takes her eyes off the road and flashes him her brightest smile, without answering. TJ keeps on staring until she parks the car. Once they’re safely inside their flat, he grabs her wrist to stop her before she goes in her room.

“That kiss was nice…” He says softly and she immediately turns toward him.

“Yeah, I’ve been told I wasn’t bad at that game…” she proudly declares and he bursts out laughing. He walks to her and she ends up blocked between him and the wall. She smiles as he cups her face with both his hands.

“Would you mind we keep on for a little while?”

“You already know the answer to that, pretty boy…” she answers before closing the gap between them. First it’s just lips against lips, working together in a perfect dance. Their hands are flying between the two of them to get rid of their clothes as they stumble in Kat’s bedroom. She bites his lower lip before licking it then slides her tongue in his mouth. They keep on kissing, messy and feverish and his hands wander on her perfect breasts while one of her hand head south. TJ doesn’t hold back his small gasp when it curls around his already half-hard dick. It goes up and down a couple of times, light, teasing.

Kat grabs his neck and pulls him closer to the bed before she pushes him down on it. She crawls on top of him and plants a light kiss on his lips before nipping his earlobe.

“I think I made you a promise, didn’t I?” she purrs in a low voice. TJ gets harder at the single thought of it and he’s sure Kat feels it against her thigh. She starts tracing a path of kisses, sucks and light bites, down his collarbone, his chest and his inner thighs. “Are you ready to get educated?” she teases him, the ghost of her breath caressing the tip of his cock.

He can only moan softly and she licks along his length before playing with her piercing, flicking it over the head and making TJ jolt a little with an embarrassing whine. After a while alternating between sucking nothing but the head and toying with her piercing, Kat seems to have mercy on him and take him all in. She’s fast on locating every single one of his soft spots thanks to his moans and groans and she cares for them slowly, patiently, playing with the little ball of her piercing. TJ can feel her chuckle every single time he jolts and whines under her touch. He can’t stop staring at her, one of his hands lost in her hair, tugging lightly every once in a while. Her right hand goes back up and brush his nipple gently, making him moan under the touch. She keeps on as she builds up a rhythm and starts really sucking on his length. Soon enough he feels a familiar heat gathering in his lower belly and he exhales in a groan “Kat.. I’m... Oh Fuck…”

She only sucks harder as TJ starts to thrust his hips up and down. When he finally hits his orgasm, she keeps him in her mouth all along and starts playing again gently with her tongue until he grows soft between her lips.

He grabs her arms and pull her up to crash his lips against hers, where he can taste himself. “That was… a pretty interesting lesson, Professor…” he chortles and she gives a light shove on his shoulder. “Told ya…” He hums as he kisses her again.

“Your turn now… I may not have any piercing to play with, but I’m not bad either at that game…” he whispers against her neck as his hands can’t seem to be able to leave her breasts. His thumb brushes a nipple and she inhales sharply before assuring “You don’t have to…”

“What if I want to?” His mouth takes his hand’s place around her nipple and Kat bites her bottom lip as she breathes out a shaky little moan. TJ keeps on going down, taking his time, mapping her body. He does definitely prefer cocks but he always took pride on how good he was at making women feel nice. And he has decided Kat would feel fantastic tonight. She has a couple of scars on her abdomen and he cares for them, slowly, kissing them gently and following their path with his tongue as she whines and shifts under him. He takes all his time to make her fall apart, using all his skills to find what turns her on. When she starts rocking her hips against his mouth, he slides a finger in her, making her release a broken moan as her hand fists in TJ’s hair.  Her whimpers get higher and higher as she gets closer to the edge. TJ fits a second finger in her and her whole body stutters as she tugs a little harder on his hair. It’s only a matter of seconds before she falls apart, moaning loudly as he keeps licking and sucking. When she’s reduced to small gasps, he kisses her inner thigh a little roughly before going back up.

It’s her turn to taste herself in his mouth and she whimpers softly. “Ok, I give it to you… It’s a fucking shame you prefer dicks, because you are one gifted bastard…” she exhales with a laugh and he joins her.

“What can I say?” he answers mockingly. “I’m sorry…”

“You’re so not it’s actually insulting” she laughs harder, punching him lightly in the arm.

They keep on fooling around for a while until they settle, Kat in TJ’s arm. She starts running her fingers on his skin, and they stop when they meet his –far too much- protruding ribs. Her fingers go up and down a couple of time, then follow the line of one rib.

“TJ… When was the last time you had a proper meal?”

TJ sighs. He knows he’s been screwing up a little lately. It’s not that he does it on purpose, it’s just… sometimes he’s not hungry, sometimes he’s so busy fighting his inner demons he doesn’t even realize he skipped a couple of meals. Sometimes the thought of eating makes him want to vomit. He knows he has lost weight and he’s now flirting with the wrong side of skinny. The last two days have been really bad, and he’s pretty sure he hasn’t eaten anything.

“TJ?... I’m not going to turn all mother hen on you, you know… You would end up hating me if I did… But… You need to take care of yourself… _I_ need you to take care of yourself… Please?” TJ meets her eyes and looks away sadly before nodding. “And I’m talking about solid food, TJ… Not cocks. Sperm cannot be considered a healthy diet!” She adds, trying to break the tension.

TJ bursts out laughing and Kat smiles, pleased with herself.  “That really is a shame” he declares dramatically.

“Tell me about it!” she shoots back in the same tone.

They stay quiet for a little while. Kat is lying on top of TJ and he can finally see the extent of her scar. It starts below her left ear, down her neck then forks on the back of her shoulder to follow some kind of sinuous diagonal ending up just above her right hip. He follows its path with a finger and once again, she shivers under the touch.

“Does it hurt?” he asks, concerned, his finger stopping right away.

“No… No” she immediately reassures him. “It’s just… you know, usually people don’t like it, and do their best to ignore it’s even here… I guess I’m just not used to that…”

TJ remains silent for a minute, then suddenly put her next to him so he can lean on her back and he starts kissing along the scar, slowly, gently.

“TJ… You don’t have to…” Kat tries to shift on her back but he keeps her in place firmly. “TJ… I… don’t…”

“They’re all fool…” he interrupts her, between two kisses. “How can they not like it when it’s yours?” She breathes out shakily as he keeps mapping the scar with his mouth. She ends up hiding her face in the pillow and he stops and goes right up when he realizes she's shaking almost imperceptibly and he forces her to look at him. “You’re ok?” She nods but she has tears in her eyes. He kisses her tenderly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you…”

“You didn’t, TJ…” She answers in a small voice. “I’m just… I don’t know what to do…”

“Does it feel bad?” she shakes her head in answer. “Do you want me to stop?”

“I… I don’t know.” TJ plants light kisses on her shoulders before helping her to get on her back.

They kiss for a while, until he feels her starting to get in the game again, stroking her tongue against his. She grabs his lower lips between her teeth and nearly purrs “I want you to fuck me…” He grabs her hair and pull lightly, making her tilt her chin and giving him access to her neck. He starts kissing and biting the soft skin there while she rocks her hips against his hard-on as they both exhales moans and grunts. He can’t hold very long before getting in her and he start thrusting his hips, first slowly, then building up a faster rhythm. He’s rewarded by her whimpers slowly getting louder and higher. She’s not much of a talker, but he’s not either when he’s fucking someone. (It’s a whole different kind of story when he’s the one getting fucked…) So the room is entirely filled with their heavy breaths, groans, and moans.

He can feel her clenching rhythmically around him and he slowly loses himself in the feeling. His pace goes faster and faster until she suddenly turns them over and starts riding him. She plays with him, working her hips up and down fast, then stopping every time his breathing starts to get caught up or if he starts to thrust against her a little too much. She wants to make it last, and he doesn’t complain, even if he can’t stop angry groans out of his throat every time she does it. She leans forward to kiss and bite his lips, then his ear, until he chases her mouth and she straightens again to resume fucking herself on his dick.

When he starts begging her, she takes mercy on him and lets him flip them over once more so he can resume pounding into her. He thrusts fast and she’s quickly sent over the edge. He can feel her orgasm all around him and it completely gets him off. He loses his rhythm and only gives three, four more thrusts before burying himself into her. He comes hard, his hips sluggishly thrusting a little more while he rides out of his own orgasm.

“Fuck…” he whispers, starting to feel himself dozing off. Kat just strokes his hair gently, trying to catch her breath.

They fall asleep in that position, Kat’s arms locked protectively around TJ’s back.

\-----

TJ was right, Elaine is furious. Every newspaper in town is talking about the mysterious girl who turned the President’s son straight. Elaine has a whole team working on it so they won’t find out Kat is a former drug addict (“Well, I’m clean for a long time now, wouldn’t be actually like… a good thing?” Kat objected. To no avail.) But Kat was right on one point. Journalists are off TJ’s back, for now… Of course, many ask him if he’s definitely straight, if it was just a phase and bullshit like that. But at least they stopped attacking him on his suicides attempt or his drug problems.

As he promised Kat, he tries to be more careful about his health, regaining a few well needed pounds. He doesn’t give up on the cock diet anyway, and it stays as a running and private joke between the two of them.

They keep on sleeping with one another once in a while, when they are both alone and they want it… It’s nice, without obligation, and bonds them even more than before.

Bad days are fewer and fewer and TJ starts to really believe that this time, he will actually make it. Hope is a nice feeling to have, and TJ doesn't want to lose his.


	8. I don’t mind sharing…

Everything goes well for a few weeks, then TJ starts growing restless again. He wants to  _do_ something with himself. His father still pay for everything he needs (and Kat clearly told him that she would do it too if ever needed…), but TJ is in his thirties and he can’t stand being a burden anymore. He does have money on his own (even more so since his grandma left him half of her wealth) but Elaine made sure he couldn’t use it without her checking on what. TJ tries not to think about how she probably didn’t do that for Doug’s part.

It’s been nearly six months, and TJ’s clean and doesn’t feel like falling back in his old demons (Kat would be there to kick him out of them (or them out of him) anyway…). Now, he starts thinking of what he wants to do with his life. He still wants to do something that matters. So far, he just can’t find out what. So he’s still dependent on his father.

Of course Bud would never complains about it. He seems to be genuinely happy about how well TJ has been doing. So is Doug. Their relationship is much better. Healthier. Doug has dumped the journalist woman and he told Anne about it (she decided to forgive him). TJ likes it when they spend quiet evening together, just talking about anything, especially if it isn’t politics, sometimes playing piano for his father, watching a baseball game or having a gale of laughter for nothing.

Elaine can’t seem to be able to let herself be happy for her son. She has always refused to meet Kat again and TJ’s had the privilege to a very pleasing conversation about her. Elaine fears TJ is hanging on to her the same way he did with Sean, and even if, deep down, TJ can’t really blame her, it upsets him that she doesn’t have any faith in him.

“It’s starting all over again, isn’t it? You’re tying your sobriety to someone else’s love again!”

“Oh Mom, for Christ’s sake, it’s nothing like that! I don’t love her that way, she’s more like my sister” he protests (but hides a smile when he thinks they sometimes go a little incestuous…). He loses the envy to smile quickly enough.

“She is _not_ a good person for you!”

“She helped me more these last months than any of you ever did, don’t you _dare_ talking about her like that just because she doesn’t look like the good little girls you like to be surrounded with… No, she will never be like Anne, but you know what?  I don’t care!”

“I’m not judging her on her looks, TJ, but you can’t ignore she’s just as sick as you are and…”

“She was… Was, mom… And she fought it! She did it, and she’s helping me doing the same. And _she_ accepts me fully for who I am, without any pressure…”

Elaine gapes indignantly. “What are you suggesting here? I always supported you, no matter what you did or what you were, and I won’t let you for one second…”

“Yeah right, you did it because you’re perfectly comfortable with me the way I am, right? Nothing at all to do with politics…” TJ spits with anger. There’s a twinge in his chest when he sees how hurt Elaine looks. But he’s half convinced in what he says and he doesn’t want Elaine to rant about Kat anymore. Elaine shakes her head.

“I’m sorry if I ever made you believe in that, TJ… “

TJ angrily shrugs before walking away. They never talk about it again. And everything else remains the same.

\----

“TJ… You’re doing something next Thursday?”

“Yeah, because my life is sooooo full and busy, right?” TJ answers ironically. Kat shoots him a not-impressed-at-all look.

“Stop that right now. You’ll find what you want to do. Give your head the time to heal, and it’ll come by itself. Stop pushing yourself for one single minute, you stubborn two-legged ass.” TJ can’t help chuckling, even if he knows she did it on purpose.

“What’s happening on Thursday?” he ends up asking.

“One of my friends is a singer in a kind of music club. Her pianist had a car accident last night and she needs to find someone gifted enough to be ready in 4 days… I thought maybe you would be interested... You certainly fit the profile…”

TJ lets himself enjoy the compliment and thinks about it. “It would be only temporary?”

“Yes. Her pianist broke his arm, but as soon as she’s better, you’d be free… At least you would have a job, some money…” She knows how upset he is to have his father paying for him. “Plus I think it would do you good to be busy a little…” she adds. “You have too much time to think…”

He acts with a lot of maturity and stick his tongue out. “What kind of music?” he asks then.

“Jazz, blues, Cuban music… Sometimes a little bit of pop music” she shrugs. “Depends on what the audience wants…”

“Only on Thursday?”

Kat shakes her head “Thursday, Friday and one Saturday per month.”

TJ sinks in his thoughts and Kat doesn’t disturb him. She goes back to her painting – a landscape TJ doesn’t know but would love to go and see. Magnificent. It’s a shame it’s a commission, otherwise he would buy it.

TJ doesn’t bring the subject back until the middle of the afternoon. “Can I meet her?” Kat raises an eyebrow. “Your singer friend?”

Kat calls her and invites Alyse and Ness (her drummer) over for dinner. They will arrive earlier so they can talk and try to see if TJ would be a fit for them. TJ starts to grow nervous and can’t really remain still until the doorbell rings. Alyse and Ness are both gorgeous, in a very different style.

Alyse has a delicate and elegant face framed by long wavy light-brown hair. She’s looking small next to Kat, who’s basically TJ’s height. She’s wearing a chaste light shirt, which looks like it has been splattered with blue, green and red paints, with a white collar and associated with a long dark shirt. Her make-up brings her beautiful blue eyes to light. She looks confident, her handshake is firm and her smile is heart-warming. She has a soft voice that never raises. TJ wonders what she sounds like when she sings.

Ness is nearly as tall as Kat. She has a dark skin, dark green eyes and short hair. She’s wearing colorful clothes that leave little to imagination and she laughs loud whenever she can. Her wide smile and her laughs are contagious, and soon TJ finds himself smiling too.

He can’t help observing the three of them for a while. The punk, the good little girl and the extroverted … No one would bet a single dollar that these three were close friends, but after ten minutes with them, TJ has no doubt they are.

After making everything clear about the job, Alyse hands him a piece of sheet music ( _Amado mio_ , reads the title) and TJ sits in front of the piano, feeling slightly nervous. But piano is natural to him, so he doesn’t let it get to him. He reads the partition and has the hang of it in no time. Then Alyse starts singing and TJ nearly forgets to keep playing. Her voice is pure and clear, and even if the lyrics are in Spanish and TJ doesn’t understand all of it, she conveys so many feelings with it TJ can’t do anything else but listening in awe while his fingers live a life of their own on the keyboard. If he had to imagine what angels would sound like, he’s pretty damn sure their voices would sound like hers.

After the last note fades away, Kat giggles “I think he loves your voice, Al…”

“That was magnificent” TJ is still staring at the singer. Alyse blushes with a smile.

“You’re quite gifted too, TJ… If you’re still interested, I think it could work with you…”

“Yeah, I would love that.” TJ immediately answers.

\-----

The rest of the week is filled with rehearsals. Alyse does indeed cover a large and diverse repertoire and TJ takes a lot of pleasure working with her and Ness. It’s stress-free and demanding at the same time, and just like Kat had thought, it’s a nice feeling to be busy.

He’s still quite nervous comes Thursday night. He knows he’s ready but still. He didn’t talk about it with his family. Maybe later.

The first song is _Que Sera Sera_. Alyse owns it like it was written for her. They then slips to _Cry me a River_. And so on.

He had no reason to be nervous. He just loses himself in the music and everything goes well. More than well, if the public cheering means anything at all.

\-----

“You were perfect, T!” Kat cheers him when they all joined her at the table she had chosen to admire the show. He kisses her back on the cheek with a smile then lets her congratulate Alyse and Ness. They decide to go out to celebrate their first show together.

Alyse is not as shy as she looks, and she drags TJ on the dance floor for a dance, while Ness hits on some guy at the counter. TJ loses sight of Kat while they dance, as their table is too far away.

When Alyse and TJ go sit back again, Kat is very busy kissing someone. They split and TJ might stare a little. The man has long, dark hair gathered in a low short ponytail and grey eyes. He has broad shoulders and his shirt doesn’t really hide how build up he is underneath. He smiles at them and reaches out to shake hands. His smile kind of blinds TJ for a second but he manages to pull himself together before he starts to look awkward and shakes his hand.

“James, this is my friend TJ. TJ, James. And you already know Alyse… “

 James kisses Alyse on the cheek and sit back as TJ slides next to Kat, giving her a look that means “How can you not warn me you have such sexy friends?”… Well at least he hopes his eyes manage to mean all this.

TJ might or might not spend the rest of the night checking James out. Maybe he’s paranoid (or too hopeful), but he thinks he caught a couple of looks from James that weren’t all that innocent either…

It seems like James is heading home with Kat and TJ anyway. TJ isn’t jealous, and there’s no chance James is into guys anyway, but… Yeah he’s jealous. That guy is a work of art, and TJ wants him. What can he say?

\----

TJ tries his luck when Kat leaves them together in the living-room to go to the bathroom. He knows Kat won’t be mad at him, she clearly teased him on the way home…. He thinks about asking James directly, then to try and flirt, but he knows he doesn’t have much time so he ends up kissing him. Like that. No warning. James is quick to respond and TJ only have to open his mouth the smallest to have it invaded by James’ tongue. Their bodies are pressed up together and TJ can feel the tension growing around James’ crotch.

“TJ… Stop hitting on my date, would you?”

TJ reluctantly breaks their kiss and raises his hands above his shoulders.

“Well I’m sorry, my love, but his body seems rather ok with me hitting on him…” He looks at Kat above poor James’ shoulder and they both smile at each other as she steps toward them.

James turns around, looking so guilty it’s nearly funny. “I’m sorry, Kat, I didn’t… it’s not…”

“Hey, it’s fine, Jamie… It’s not as if you ever hide me you were swinging both ways…” TJ lays back against the counter, his eyes half-closed, watching Kat walking towards them, feline, ruthless. “Plus I don’t mind sharing…” She whispers in James’ ears and she’s close enough now to kiss him on the side of the neck as TJ kisses the other side and nips at his earlobe. James lets go of a muffled moan. “Oh God…” TJ can’t help laughing, his mouth pressed on James’ skin as the poor boy lets out a litany of curses, attacked from both sides.

“Do you want to know a secret, TJ?” Kat whispers against his lips, while James glazes over them. “James’s the one who taught me everything about pleasing men…”  TJ inhales sharply, thinking about what it implies and James seems to come back with them a little, smiling coyly.

TJ doesn’t really know how they managed to go to his bedroom (larger bed…) but they do. They have lost most of their clothes on the way, but none of them will complain about that. James is as build up as his shirt made it guess, and TJ wants to run his hands everywhere on his body. Both the men are already completely hard and TJ is surprised when James shoves him on the bed and crawls on top of him before starting to suck a hickey in the nap of his neck, drawing a hot moan out of TJ. His hips start moving on their own, looking for any kind of contact as his hands grabs Kat by the hips to pull her closer.

James starts moving down, trailing his way with licks and kisses. TJ jumps a little when he feels that James too have a tongue piercing. Well it may start to be one of his kinks. The feeling against the head of his cock makes him whine against Kat’s breast while his own hand works on pleasing her.

“Come here” He whispers to her between two gasps and she sits on top of him, just at the right place for him to eat her out. He just loves the taste of her, and his muffle groans against her flesh seem to drive her mad. Not that he’s doing it on purpose, but James is doing things to him he didn’t even know were possible.

“Stop, stop, I’m gonna cum, I’m… Not so soon…” he ends up panting, pleading. Kat moves from where she’s standing and kiss him roughly before James spanks him. “Turn around, then…” he orders as TJ moans again, aroused to be manhandled that way. Kat reaches the drawer and pulls out the lube, then lays next to him, head to tail, and from what he hears, he guesses she starts giving James a taste of his own medicine. TJ hides his smile in the comforter, but it’s quickly wiped away when he suddenly feels a hot wetness right against his asshole.

James starts rimming him like it’s all he ever wanted from life, and TJ thinks he could possibly cum just from this. The worst is when Kat does something that makes James jolt or moan against TJ and TJ can feel it all the way to his balls and his cock, making him curse loudly. He can’t do anything but enjoys what’s given.

Then James adds a slick, lubed finger and slowly starts to move it in and out. “Oh fuck yes, right here!” TJ can’t help shouting when James reaches his soft spot. And does it again. Adds another finger. “Oh fuck, fuck, right here, yes, harder…” TJ knows he’s babbling but it’s too good. The fact that James answers by praising him (“You look so good, yeah… just like that….”) is not helping. At all.  James adds a third finger and now he’s reaching TJ’s prostate every single thrust and combined with the sound of James’ moans, TJ starts losing it and fucks himself on the other man’s fingers.

He lets go of an annoyed groan when James put his hand away but Kat turns around to get face to face with him again and kiss him like she was looking for water and he’s the first fountain she sees. He moves on top of her as his hand goes south again, stroking her gently until she moans too. James is still planting light kisses on the small of TJ’s back and teasing him with his fingers. TJ hears him ripping open a condom. TJ and Kat don’t use them anymore.

TJ slides in Kat as he bites her neck and she let go of a high pitched moan. James lets him thrust a couple of time before pinning him in place. TJ tries to put most of his weight on his arms and stops moving. His breath is sharp and short and he knows what’s coming. He feels the tip of James’ cock starting to push against his hole.

“Oh my god” Kat sighs beneath him. “He just _twitched_ , fuck that’s amazing…”

TJ buries his moan against Kat’s skin and James sink deeper and deeper, until he bottoms up.

“Oh fuck, you feel so good…” He whispers, planting a kiss between TJ’s shoulder blades.

TJ grunts a “Fuck me, fuck me oh god…” in response.

James starts to move slowly, every thrust sending TJ burying himself deeper into Kat. They both moan in unison as James starts to go faster. When he first hits TJ’s soft spot again, TJ jolts forward with a whorish groan and Kat whimpers under the sharp thrust.

“Oh fuck yes, right there, harder…” TJ pleads and James obliges, his thrusts growing sharper and faster. TJ starts moving too, meeting every single one of them and burying himself back in Kat, rewarded by what he can now recognize as her close-to-orgasm whines. Her eyes are fixed on the two of them and TJ nearly loses his shit when James suddenly stops to lean forward and kiss Kat savagely. From where TJ’s standing, he can see their tongues stroking each other, and he can even hear their piercings colliding once or twice. TJ keeps rolling his hips and he’s rewarded when the two others moans in each other’s mouth. James straightens up and Kat grabs TJ by the neck and resumes kissing him as James goes back to fucking him fast and sharp, holding TJ’s hips hard to keep him steady.

“Oh god, yes, yes, right there, harder, yeah fuck me…” TJ whines against Kat’s mouth. She closes her eyes, her breathing short and he can _feel_ her swinging over the edge. She lets go of a loud moan as her hips start thrusting against TJ. Just at the same time, James starts hitting TJ’s prostate again and TJ is reduced to moaning loudly at every thrust. The combined stimulation completely drives him mad and he cums hard with a hoarse cry.

James thrusts faster and harder but not for long before TJ feels him brutally stops and then thrusts again, only a couple of time, sharply, before going slack against TJ’s back with a few last sluggish thrusts.

They remains in place for a while, all trying to catch their breath, then Kat twists a little underneath TJ.

“Guys, don’t you dare falling asleep on me, you will kill me…”

TJ mourns a little when James pulls out, but quickly get off Kat and lays next to her as James takes him in his arms and kiss his shoulder.

“Well… That was … something, right?” James laughs with a sleepy voice. TJ mumbles something and Kat laughs back. “He’s fast asleep after sex…” James only groans in reponse. “Oh yeah… I forgot you are too… Well then…” She settles herself in TJ’s arm and closes her eyes.

Soon the only sound in the room is the one of their even, deep breathings.


	9. It’s a good omen

“Oh come on, James, really? No idea what-so-ever?”

Kat is teasing James, who just shakes his head while TJ laughs quietly in his coffee.

“Ok, it’s basically the first time I ever meet TJ, how am I supposed to know what TJ actually stands for?” James grumbles. His hair points out in a hundred different directions and he didn’t bother to put a shirt on before breakfast (not that TJ is complaining, mind you…). “I know it’s Thomas, but how on earth would I know what the J stands for?”

“I can’t fucking believe it… It’s not as if he was kind of top one in the most famous gay persons you dreamt to bang, was he?”

James rolls his eyes with a fake angry look and TJ nearly spits out his coffee from laughing too hard.

“That’s … an interesting piece of information…” he remarks with a little smirk towards Kat who winks in response.

“Shut up, both of you” James grunts. Kat gives up (for now) and they keep eating in silence. TJ can see James’s gears turning while he consciously chew on his toast.

“James” TJ ends up saying in a soft voice.

“What?”

“No, dumbass.” Kat takes over. “TJ is for Thomas _James_. That’s what made me laugh. I mean, come on… What were the odds?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” James asks, unbelieving. TJ shakes his head. “Oh well, that’s gold…” They remain silent for a couple of minutes before James asks “You play again tonight?”

TJ nods in response as Kat stands up and winks at the two men “Boys, I’m gonna leave you two together and go hit the shower before TJ goes and uses all the hot water…”

TJ throws her a piece of bread and groans in protest while she runs away laughing. “I’m not like that, Kat… Liar!” James hides his laugh behind his toast.

“Well, I guess I should try and sneak in with her then…” he chuckles and TJ shrugs with an unapologetic look.

“I like long hot showers, it’s hardly my fault if our water heater sucks…” James shoots him a soft, kind smile, observing him slowly. TJ shifts, slightly uncomfortable. “So… what do you do in life?” James’ smile widen but he stops staring at once.

“Photographer. Right now I’m more a “Nature and Animals” kind of photographer. I go on missions for National Geographic every once in a while. But I’d like to do something _more_ , you know… Showing the inequalities, the things that go so wrong in the world… I’m considering shifting to war photographer…”

TJ thinks about it for a while. Of course he can understand the need to do something more. That’s what’s been driving him forever.

“Aren’t you… scared? About going into war zone and all?”

“A little, sure. But it’s important, you know. Showing what’s happening there…” TJ nods slowly. “Anyway, that’s why I’m here actually. I have an interview next week with a newspaper looking for a photographer to send in Iraq.”

“Oh, so it’s really something you’ve already decided, then?”

“Yeah. My family would probably not be really happy about it, though…”

“They should be proud, I think…”

James shrugs with a disenchanted “Anyway… I wouldn’t leave just yet, so…” and TJ prefers leaving it there, because he’s not sure they’re close enough to have this conversation.

 “Will you come tonight?”

“Yeah, Alyse wants me to sing a duet with her… We used to sing together, back in college…” he adds when TJ shoots him an inquisitive look. “I can’t wait to work with you. You are an amazing pianist, TJ. I think I could watch you play for hours. You just look so… lost in your music, so in peace…” TJ smiles a little, looking down at his hands. “I would love to photograph you one day…”

TJ just shakes his head. “Yeah, right…”

“Why don’t you just believe me?” TJ shrugs with a self-depreciative groan. “TJ…”

“Bathroom’s free!!” Kat shouts as she walks by the door, before disappearing in her bedroom.

TJ shakes his despair off and shoots James his brightest smile. “Still interested in sharing the shower? I’m not as curvy as Kat, but I can be pretty interesting too…”

James laughs, shaking his head. But he follows TJ down the corridor to the bathroom.

\---

Once they done fooling around in the shower, they settle in the living room. They exchange phone numbers and email addresses. James shows TJ some of his work on his professional website. They are gorgeous. And James has hundreds of stories linked to every single one of them. TJ could stand there and listen forever as James gets lost in his own memories. TJ plays piano for him, and even lets him take a couple of pictures. Kat spend the day in her room, trying to finish her commission. TJ knows she let her door open to hear him play, so he takes extra care to choose pieces he knows she loves.

Alyse comes and joins at the end of the day to train a little with James and TJ. They opt for _Something Stupid,_ and TJ catches himself staring more than once. James has a warm, smooth voice and he flirts jokingly with Alyse all along. He has a spark in his eyes that TJ finds mesmerizing and TJ nearly gets wrong once or twice – thank god his fingers know better.

The four of them leave together for the bar. Once in the street, TJ put his arm around Kat’s shoulders and they slow down, letting the two others take the lead.

“You have great friends…”

“I think all of them really like you, you know…” TJ doesn’t answer so she pushes him slightly with her elbow. “TJ… You are part of my great friends… I think James is a little fond of you…”

“Shut up” he laughs.

“OOooh would you be blushing?”

“Shut up” he says again, a little more sharply. “We just had sex once… or twice. I don’t know the guy. And he certainly doesn’t know me. But he sure seems really interesting…”

“He is. He’s nice, too. I don’t care if it works or not, but if you feel like it, please, please, give it a try. Allow yourself. Please?” she whispers in his ear.

“We’ll see….”

“I’ll be fine with that for tonight…”

\----

_How was the interview? TJ_

_Oh, you remembered! :) Rather fine, I think. We’ll see. Thank you for asking! :) James._

_Doing anything today? Kat has a couple more commissions, no time for me… I’m bored :( TJ_

_I thought I would go in NY downtown chase for pictures. Care to join? James_

_Yeah, sure! TJ_

_I’ll be there in 30 minutes :)) James_

\-----

Watching James working is really absorbing. The way he looks at people and building is so much more considered than what TJ is used to. TJ hopes he’s not bothering him with all his questions, even if James always answers immediately with a huge smile.

“If you want me to shut up, just say it and I…”

“No!! no, no, come on… It’s nice, you being interested in what I do… I’m not really used to that, you know…”

“Really?” TJ can’t see James’ eyes, hidden behind the viewfinder, but he clearly heard the very light hint of bitterness in the sentence.

“Yeah, you know, in my family, they consider it more like a leisure than a proper job… But who cares? I’m happy with what I do…”  James says, looking at TJ in the eyes with a real, warm smile. “Coffee?” he offers. They have been wandering in New-York streets for almost three hours, so TJ gladly accepts the offer and doesn’t hold back his sigh of relief when they finally sit down at a table in a small bar. James mocks him a little. “Oh god, TJ, you lack of stamina, it’s terrible!” he laughs.

“Yeah, I’ve known better days…”

“Oh really?” He teases him. TJ gives up.

“All right, I confess, I’ve never been good with all that…” TJ shrugs. “What can I say? I’m all for sports in the bedroom…” He winks and James blushes. _Touché_.

They thank the waitress when she brings them their coffee then James leans against the back of his chair as he looks at TJ with a smile.

“Questions time?” he asks softly. TJ nods with a pout. Why not? He wants to know him better. “Ok, you start.”

TJ thinks for a while then opts for “How did you meet Kat?”

James smiles widely as he thinks about his answer. “I’m surprised she didn’t tell you…” he remarks.

“I never asked… yet.”

“We met at university. We were both majoring in arts. We got on really well really fast. Then we met Alyse, Ness, and a couple of others… But the two of us… We just understood each other so easily… We ended up sharing a flat. I’ve been there during some of her … dark times, let’s say. And she supported me during some of mine…  I guess it made us really close. She’s like family…” TJ smiles, thinking about how he basically said the same thing about Kat to his mother. “What about you?”

TJ sighs with a smile. “Well… She saved my life… quite literally, indeed. I got assaulted, a few months back and she… Well she just barged in and saved the day… Then she decided to save me again.”

“From what?”

TJ laughs bitterly “Myself mostly.”

James nods but doesn’t push the subject and TJ can’t help but being thankful. He knows he will tell James. But it’s not often he meets someone who doesn’t seem to have a preconceived opinion about him… Even if he has to admit it happens more and more since he’s surrounded with Kat and her friends. He just wants it to last a little longer.

“You know…” James starts, looking at his cup of coffee as if it was the most interesting thing ever “My family… They don’t talk to me anymore. My career choice was already a hard blow for my dad. He wanted me to be a doctor, like him. Then I told them I was bisexual and… Well at first, they told me it was just a phase, that I needed to find myself… That I should seek help with God… But when they figured out it wasn’t… That it was really who I was….  Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.”

TJ reaches to grab James’ wrist and squeezes it, gently. “I’m sorry about that, James. That’s unfair….”

James shrugs with a sad smile “You know, I mostly miss my little sister… They threw me out and changed all their phone numbers. They won’t let me see her… Thank god I had Kat at that moment, because I could have gone so, so wrong… “

TJ nods. “I know, she’s amazing, isn’t she?”

“Yeah… We’re damn lucky…” They smile at each other. TJ doesn’t let go of James’ hand and James doesn’t do anything against it.

“I’m a drug addict. Cocaine.” TJ confesses softly, eyes on their tangled hands.

“You don’t owe me anything, TJ…”

“No, but I want to share it with you.” James shuts his mouth and squeezes TJ’s hand in response. “You know, I think I was just trying to… free myself from who I was. It was working really nicely, to tell the truth. I miss the feeling sometimes…”

“How long have you been…?”

“Since the assault. My parents sent me to rehab and Kat decided to sponsor me… Kicks my ass every once in a while when I stumble…”

“She knows what you’ve been through…”

TJ nods. “That’s probably one of the reason that makes it work. That, and the fact that we really share a lot. Just like you do, it would seem.” TJ smiles.

“Then it’s a good omen, isn’t it?” TJ frowns, cocking his head on one side. “For us. I mean, we can assume we’ll go on well together, don’t you think?” TJ slowly nods again as a smile appears on his lips.

“Yeah… I guess it is…”


	10. Agreed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for the delay, I just started my very first job and I have less time now, so I'll try to be more regular, but I can't promise anything... But I will finish that story, I swear!!

They keep on talking for the rest of the day, going from tough subjects to light ones effortlessly. TJ feels like he’s known James his whole life and talking with him comes so easy it’s like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

The good news is James doesn’t change a bit the way he is around TJ, even after learning how low TJ has fallen. He doesn’t force him to talk about his problems either, but any time TJ tries to share more with James, he’s always there, caring, listening as if nothing was more important to him at that moment and never judging anything at the same time.  Talking about Sean is too hard for TJ right now, but he already feels better knowing James doesn’t run away from the dark parts in his life.

They come back to the flat, where Kat is still confined in her room and they don’t dare bothering her. James prepares dinner for the three of them and TJ and he keep themselves busy until Kat finally joins them for the rest of the evening.

As James can’t really go back home and doesn’t plan on staying that long in town, Kat had planned for him to sleep in their flat, either on the couch or in her bed. He ends up in TJ’s room, holding TJ tight in the warmth of his arms and whispering songs in his ears when TJ jumps out of a nightmare.

James gets hired by the newspaper, but they want to test him on easier subjects first. So he stays with Kat and TJ, only leaving for short missions. It goes on like this for a couple of months, and TJ feels happier than he ever thought he could be.

\-----

_How long are you away again?_

_Coming back Tuesday. I’ll be right there to see you play! ;)_

Alyse and her former pianist both decided to go on separate ways, so TJ keeps on playing with Ness and her every week. He starts really liking those times.

_Can’t wait… :)_

_Do you miss me, poster boy?_

TJ rolls his eyes but can’t help grinning while he types his answer.

_Fuck you James_

_You wish… ;)_

TJ still has a stupid smile on his face when Kat gets in the living room. He looks up and can’t hold back a surprised yelp at her sight. Gone is the Mohawk and gone the black hair. It had hold for two months, which is actually kind of a record for Kat… and now… Now, the left side of her head is freshly shaved and the rest of her hair – now blond – is falling in wave on the right.

“Like it?” she asks with a bright smile. She looks like a kid at Christmas morning and TJ can’t help smiling too.

“Cressida, uh?...” She didn’t stop talking about it since they went to see the new Hunger Games movie last week and James warned TJ it was likely to happen.

“Come on, I _had_ to… Don’t you think it suits me?” she turns her head from a side to the other so he can admire her haircut.

“As usual, you’re perfect…”

She sits next to him and puts her arm around TJ’s shoulder. “You’re sweet…” she plants a kiss on his cheek. “How are you, TJ?”

“I’m fine, everything’s fine…”

Kat shoots him a concerned look.

“Your brother called me this morning, there are rumors about you and James amongst journalists and your mother wants to know what it is about…”

“Oh God…” TJ has lost all the lightness he was feeling in one second. He’s not even upset Doug called Kat instead of calling him directly. Lately, TJ clammed up every single time anyone asked him anything about his private life. His family has learnt to stop asking. He’s slowly figuring out what loving and being loved feels like and he’s not inclined to share it yet. “Fuck them all…”

It takes him the whole day to find it in himself to call his mother. Of course, she wants to meet James. Of course, TJ have little to no choice at all in the matter. Dinner is planned on Saturday evening at the White House. TJ hopes James will be ok with it. No matter how many times Kat reassures him, he still thinks it’s too much… too soon…

\----

As always, James surprises TJ.

“Great, I am really delighted to get to know your family, TJ… Really, it’s good.” TJ tries to believe him, he really does, but he apparently fails to hide his anxiety. “Do you mind presenting me?” James asks evenly.

“What?... No! no!!!” TJ protests when what James implies finally hits him. “Of course not! It’s just… My family is a little… heavy sometimes… I don’t want you to run away because of them…” he shrugs, feeling ridiculous.

James steps closer and cups TJ’s face with his hands. “They would have to try really _really_ hard to make me run away from you, poster boy” he whispers before planting a light kiss on TJ’s lips. TJ closes his eyes and put his own arms around James’ waist, pulling him into a hug.

“’m not a poster boy” he mumbles against James’ shoulder anyway.

“No…” James concedes.  “You’re _my_ poster boy… And I’m not letting anyone taking you away, not even the President… agreed?”

TJ sighs before muttering “Agreed” in a low voice.

\----

Saying James is adopted right away would be stupid. On the one hand, Doug quickly starts being comfortable with him, talking about football and baseball and the three of them spend a nice amount of time laughing together. TJ is really happy his brother likes James. It does mean a lot, even if he didn’t want them to meet so soon.  On the other hand, Elaine is acting like an over protective mother hen and is very suspicious about how they met, and when, and what is James doing with his life and who is his family…. Unlike TJ, James remains very calm and polite and answers every single question with a smile – just doesn’t get too much in details about his family. TJ keeps on shifting on his seat, wishing his mother would stop her little FBI interrogation show. Elaine ends up smiling at James.

“I’m sorry if I’m a little intrusive, but you know how mothers can be like…” James’ smile is a little tight and TJ squeezes his hand under the table. “And it’s even worse with me, considering who I am and what I do… But I’m happy for you both, I really am.” TJ smiles back at her. He knows she is, but somewhere in his mind, there’s a voice telling him he will always remain a disappointment to his parents. He just tries not to listen to it too much.

The rest of the night goes rather better. They finally leave the White House and TJ is lost in his thoughts throughout the journey home. All in all, it wasn’t as catastrophic as he feared it would be.

“TJ…” James calls out. “It went well. I’m still alive, still in one piece….”

“Yeah…” TJ turns with a little smile. “I think she’s actually happy that you are more _responsible_ than I’ve ever been…”

James laughs. “Let’s hope she won’t figure out how wrong she is…”

“Is she?...” James looks at him, immediately serious again. TJ swallows a couple of times before being able to speak his mind. “You… Do you even know how important you are? I mean, sure, Kat is my guardrail and all, but you… You’re my anchor, James. I want to stay clean, because I don’t want to ruin everything for us. I want us to work. To last. Is it that bad? To hold on to you that way?”

James gives a quick look at the driver then leans towards TJ and kiss him, deeply, like it’s the only thing he wants to do at the moment. TJ grabs James’ shirt collar and  pulls him to make it deeper. James breaks their kiss and stares at TJ , stroking his cheek with his fingers, and then whispers “I don’t know, TJ. But I want all of that too. For us. And if it makes you go better, does it really matter?”

TJ lets his hand run in James’ hair and shakes his head. “I don’t know… I don’t know…”

\----

Kat is _otherwise busy_ when they arrive home – she’s currently dating a woman –Sara? -  she’s met during an art class a couple of weeks ago, and she told TJ that this one might be a serious one. But it’s the first time she brings her here for the night. Tomorrow morning will be interesting…

But TJ quickly stops thinking about tomorrow morning. James is literally fucking his mouth with his tongue and his hands are all over his body. TJ is always amazed how aroused James makes him, even after two months being around each other so much.

James makes love to him, slowly, tenderly and he keeps on repeating “I love you… I love you so much, TJ…”

\----

The White House publishes a press release the following week, confirming the President’s son is in a relationship and asking the press to respect his privacy. TJ starts to be angry against his mother for “forgetting” to warn him about it but James talks him out of calling her in anger.

She’s actually the one calling him. She explains that she trades an official announcement against the promise not to release the pictures some journalists had of James and TJ, Behind the bar, kissing each other in a rather improper way. TJ thanks her, then thanks James. He would have felt so guilty if he had called her to yell at her.

\----

“We don’t have to go if you…”

“I’m fine, TJ. I’m proud to be your date, ok? I really am. I don’t care if the rest of the world knows it. I kind of _want_ them to know you’re mine. And I’m yours.”

TJ gets that dopey grin on his face again and James captures his lips for a way too short kiss. It’s their first official appearance as a couple, for Thanksgiving at the White House. They will go distribute food at Martha’s table, a food pantry, then they’ll have to go through a couple of official stuffs before the family dinner. Of course, there will be journalists everywhere and TJ feels so anxious it’s ridiculous.

“God, I’m worse than a junior at prom night…” he rampages against himself. James grabs him by the shoulders and kisses him again, slower, deeper. And TJ immediately feels like anxiety is drained out of him.

“What kind of angel are you?” he murmurs.

“Any kind you want…” James takes his hand and pulls him to the car, where the driver patiently waits next to the door and Kat is already seated. It was a little complicated to convince Elaine about her, but TJ is happy he managed. Kat can't go home and he doesn't want her to be alone for Thanksgiving.

“Everything’s gonna be fine, T…” Kat whispers, squeezing his hand after he joins her.

As usual, she’s right.

\---

“Alyse, stop crying and tell me what’s wrong… come on!”

Kat storms into the living room and James and TJ untangled their legs to leave her some room to sit next to them. They both shoot her a concerned look while she listens in her phone.

“Ok, it’s fine, Alyse… Just breathe, would you?... It’s not the end of the world, maybe someone will buy it or…… Yes, I know what you were hoping for……… Alyse, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost everything…. No…. Sure you can, you know our door is always open…” She barely look at them with a smile but they both immediately nod, growing more and more concerned. “Sure… ok… See you in ten then… Yes… Don’t worry about that, would you?.... ok.”

Kat hangs up and stares at her phone for a couple of seconds before sitting more comfortable in the depth of the couch. She sights heavily.

“Oh come on, Kat, bring it….” TJ protests.

“The bar is bankrupt. Apparently one of the owners had gambling problems and now… They are closing and selling everything…”

The news hits TJ like a train. The nights playing at the bar had become so important for him. A time where he could feel a little useful, even if he wasn’t doing anything much. But it was freeing for him, and it was nice. He can’t really face the idea of not having them anymore.

“Poor Alyse…” James immediately replies.

“Yeah… You know how she always hoped it would be a professional springboard… She’s a little depressed right now, so I told her to come over… I don’t want her to be alone…”

“Sure…” TJ mutters before closing up in his own mind.

James and Kat keeps on talking for a while until Kat grabs TJ’s shoulder and shakes him.

“Hey TJ? Are you with us?”

“Uh?” TJ blinks at her with surprise. “Sorry… I was… thinking…”

“I was saying that with any luck, someone will buy it and reopen it…”

“But you can’t be sure they’ll keep the singers…” James points out. “Sorry to play the devil’s advocate, but….”

“Did you know I nearly owned parts in a night club for a while…?” TJ asks, interrupting James.

“Nearly?”

“I kind of OD’d at the opening night, so my parents got me out of the deal…” TJ explains evenly, trying to ignore the knot in his throat. “I’ve always liked the idea of owning a place like that…”

James pulls TJ in his arms, putting TJ’s back against his torso. TJ lets him do it, feeling secured there. Kat looks at him critically. Of course she knows why he overdosed that night. He had started to talk about Sean with James, but it usually ends up with TJ starting to have an anxiety attack and James never pushes the subject.

“It’s not a night club…” Kat points out.

“No…”

“Not aiming for the same audience…”

“Nope”

“It’s easier to filter whoever comes in…”

“I don’t have free access to my own money, Kat…” TJ sighs. She opens her mouth and he knows what she’s going to suggest. “She will _never_ agree…”

The doorbell frees TJ from the protest that was about to get out from Kat’s mouth. She gets up to welcome a crying Alyse and they drop the subject for the night.

TJ wishes they never talk about it again. Because he _wants,_ so much, and yet he knows it won’t happen. And there’s nothing pleasant in that.


	11. You're the perfect one

Of course Elaine doesn’t agree. Nor does Bud, for what it’s worth. TJ didn’t even want to actually try, but both Kat and James decided otherwise…

“Happy, now?” he bitterly snaps after a particularly unpleasant discussion about how much of a bad idea it could be. “Don’t fucking…” he frees himself roughly from James’ grip. “Just leave it, would you?... Just… Don’t…”

He’s actually relieved James doesn’t follow him to the bedroom. He locks himself inside and sits on the floor, his back against the door. He desperately tries to calm himself but the only thing he can think of is how? How is he supposed to do something with himself, when every single fucking time he actually tries for good, his own family puts him down? How can they not see he’s doing better? How can they not see how much it costs him?

TJ can’t even say what’s worse… Feeling like shit or feeling like he failed, somehow, the two persons he didn’t want to, ever. He stopped a long time ago imagining he would ever stop being a disappointment to his family, but he had that foolish hope that he could do better by his friends… He feels so empty and yet so sad, without being able to pinpoint a single valid reason to feel that way. It’s one of the most distressing feelings he ever got.

He scrolls down his contacts until he finds Omar’s number. He swore Kat he would delete it. So what… He’s a liar. She’s going to be disappointed, but she won’t be the first, right? Neither will she be the last, apparently. TJ stares at the screen for a little while, unsure about what he wants. Then he thinks if he can’t do anything with his life, at least he can try and make it the less painful possible…

He has already dialed when he hears a soft scratch against the door.

“TJ? Sweetie… ‘m sorry I pushed it too far. I didn’t want to upset you…” TJ sharply inhales, startled by James’ concern. “Please… Do you hear me? TJ…. Let me in, please... baby?”

TJ’s heart sinks in his chest. Imagining betraying Kat’s trust was already excruciating, but James? His hand slams loudly against his mouth to stop the scream he can feel coming up his chest. In panic, he has to try twice before managing to hang up the phone, then rush out of his bedroom and make it just in time to the toilet. He knows James follows him and he feels his warm hands stroking his back gently as TJ’s stomach empties itself violently. TJ pants, trying to fight the need to burst into tears between two retches.

“’m so sorry, so sorry… I’m so sorry…” he keeps on repeating once he’s sure he’s not going to vomit everywhere anymore.

James pulls him into his arms. “Don’t you dare being sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong, TJ. I’m the one who’s sorry… I should have known better… You told me and I thought I knew better… I’m so sorry I pushed you too much, you hear me? I’m sorry….” TJ lets James lull him until his breathing evens out, but he clings on to him and keeps his eyes closed, stuffing his nose in the nape in James’ neck to breathe in his scent. “TJ… Talk to me?” TJ shakes his head. “Please… I’m here for you, and so is Kat… Just talk to me… Don’t lock yourself away from me, I beg you… I’m here, I want to be here even when you’re not fine, please, please don’t push me away…” TJ starts sobbing silently against James’ shoulder. “I’m so proud of you TJ, you know that? Always trying to find a way to keep your loved ones out of harm’s way… Fighting so very hard to get better…. I can see how much it weighs on you, sweetie. I know. And I’m so damn proud. You’re doing so well. Please let me help, let me carry some of it for you, just a little, please…”

“I’m just so tired… I’m so tired…” TJ whimpers, hating his whining tone.

“I know…” James strokes his hair gently, then force his head up so he can look at TJ in his eyes. “Just… just lean on me, ok? I can take it, I want to… I’m here, ok? ‘m here for you, poster boy… Don’t you dare forgetting it…” He presses their forehead together as TJ grasps the front of James shirt to keep himself steady. He doesn’t want to use James as a dumpster where he could relieve himself of everything that eats him from inside. But he needs him so damn much it hurts. He wants to believe James won’t go away, but TJ would. He wouldn’t get mad at James for leaving, because he totally gets how no one could bear a life with him. “I want you to share all those dark places I know you go to sometimes… TJ, do you really think I don’t see it? I know when you go there and I know how exhausting it is for you to come back to me… I won’t force you, but TJ… Nothing you’d tell me will ever make me flee… When will you get that? I’m with you, and I don’t plan on going anywhere…” TJ closes his eyes, unable to sustain the love in James’ eyes and he feels another tear running down his cheek and James softly wipes it away. “Maybe… maybe we could find a way to bring some light there? What do you think?”

TJ lets go of a shaky sigh and nods lightly. He knows his voice will betray him if he tries to speak, but he tries to convey all his love and gratitude in the tight hug he locks James in.

\---

Kat makes sure TJ truly deletes Omar’s number this time. He expected her to be so damn upset and disappointed, she just runs her hand through his hair with a little smile.

“Remember when I told you that you would stumble a couple time more?” she asks. He nods, looking down. “Well I think you’re even less likely to fall now, TJ… Not with the two of us trying to give you back your wings…” She plants a kiss on his cheek before leaving him alone with James and a warm feeling in his chest.

\---

TJ had not realized time had passed so quickly and he’s (as always) late on his Christmas gifts. He finally finds Kat’s (James and he buy a gorgeous box of oil paintings, as she complained often about how fast she was using hers) and his family’s, but he’s stuck on James’. He thinks about it for a while before deciding for the latest professional camera with its set of lenses. But he also wants a more personal gift, so he ends up asking Alyse if he can come at her place, where she has a small home studio. He records himself playing every single one of James’ favorite pieces. He uses one of the pictures James had taken after their first night as the album cover.

He can’t hide a proud little smile every time James tries to bribe him into telling him what his gifts are.

\----

Kat has left for her grandparents. Elaine has to face a crisis and she’s abroad, and as usual, she took Doug with her. Bud is currently “exploring” a new relationship with another woman who’s about Doug’s and TJ’s age so TJ doesn’t try really hard to see if his father wants to spend Christmas with him. Spending it alone with James is perfect.

They are tangled on the couch with glasses of wine, talking about everything and nothing, enjoying each other’s presence and staring at their magnificent Christmas tree.  They manage to wait a little before unwrapping their gifts. TJ is as excited as a child when he hands out his gifts to James and he keeps his eyes locked on James’ face to see if he aimed right. The look of wonder when James opens the camera and lenses is worth a lot, but his look of awe and complete jubilation when he opens the album means the world to TJ. James nearly kills him with an endless kiss and insists to play the album right away as TJ still tries to breathe normally and giggles like a schoolgirl.

“I’m gonna copy it on my phone so I can listen to it anytime I’m away!” James declares before kissing TJ again. “You’re perfect, your gifts are perfect, and I’m the luckiest guy ever.” TJ shrugs and rolls his eyes with a laugh. “Shut up.” James warns him before TJ could even start to protest. “Your turn.”

TJ sits on the ground and James settles right behind him, his arms around TJ’s waist and his head settled on his left shoulder. TJ grabs the first of the three gifts and unwraps it feverishly. It’s a bottle of perfume, the same fragrance James always wear. TJ starts laughing as James whispers in his ear

“That way you’ll stop stealing mine…”

TJ turns his head to chase James’ lips and answers “Yeah but I’m sure yours still smells better…” He chuckles when James starts tickling him in retaliation.

“Next one…” James orders. “I made that one myself…”

TJ takes it and rips the wrapping paper to discover a scarf. Not a thin, sick looking scarf. It looks comfy, it looks soft, and when TJ puts it around his neck, he suddenly gets surrounded with James’ scent.

“I adore it already…” he declares, turning his head again to kiss James. They both smile.

“Last one isn’t really a gift of mine…” James says, handing TJ a big envelope. TJ raises an eyebrow but James just smiles back. TJ takes the stack of paper and starts reading the first page, but somewhere along the way, his mind disconnects and he ends up staring at it and gaping.

James kisses the side of his neck to get his attention. “I manage to see both your parents together, with Kat. We talked for quite a long time. I think they didn’t realize how far you’ve got. So… as long as Kat has part in it and is working there with you, to keep an eye on you – she agreed on it, don’t worry – your parents are ok with you buying the bar with her. Kat says it’s up to you to buy 50-50 or if you want more of it…  Just say so…”

Half of what James is saying isn’t really printing in TJ’s mind. He has a sales contract in his hand. Already signed by Kat. He could finally get what he wants… He could…

“Am I … am I dreaming?” he asks, his tight throat making it hard for the words to come out. James chuckles softly.

“No… No you’re not…. Are you happy....?”

TJ keeps staring at the contract for a few seconds. “Are you kidding me? How did you manage this? How…? Why…? Why did you even bother?”

“I know you really wanted this, TJ, and it wasn’t such a hard work…. I know it doesn’t always seem like it, but your parents just want the best for you… They just had to be shown that was it, and…”

TJ lets the papers fall on the ground and turns around, dragging James on the ground while kissing him deeply, lovingly.

“You’re the perfect one” he whispers in James’ ear, before starting a trail of kisses from there to his throat. James’ breath is caught in his throat when TJ brands him with a hickey right under his collarbone. They take time to put the gifts in safe place before getting messy, trying to get each other’s clothes off the way. The air is filled with groans, giggles and moans for a while, until they can finally get skin on skin. TJ keeps James trapped beneath him and rocks his hips so their cocks stroke one another, pulling a hot moan out of both of them. James grabs TJ’s neck and pulls him down for a sloppy kiss while his hips push up to meet TJ’s every thrust.

“Fuck me…” James whimpers against TJ’s mouth. “Please, please, just…”

TJ hums softly, silencing James with another kiss then biting his lower lip. TJ bottoms most of the time and he’s fine with it, but every once in a while, they switch, and he’s fucking fine with it too.

“Let me get…” he can’t even start to sit because James pulls him back immediately, shaking his head vehemently.

“Don’t care, just… Fuck, TJ, want you so much right now…” TJ can’t help smiling at the needy tone in James’ voice. He just nods and let one of his hands grab both their dicks and stroke them lazily, letting his fingers get lube by their own pre-come.

He loves getting James prep, because he fucking whimpers better than anyone TJ has ever slept with. If you find the right spot, you can get him to beg for almost anything. TJ even managed to make him come untouched once, just by rimming him. It’s always a gorgeous sight to get James turn on so much just with TJ’s fingers and his tongue. But tonight, James sure wants more and keeps on voicing it.

TJ groans when he finally bottoms up, James moaning breathlessly under him, his heels pushing against TJ’s lower back to get him _deeper_. TJ waits a little to get use to the feeling before starting to thrust in and out. He keeps a slow, agonizingly steady pace, kissing every inch of James’ skin, drinking every single whisper, groan and moan he can get out of James’ mouth. It’s not until James literally _beg him_ “Faster, please, please, come on… Oh… Harder…” that TJ finally starts to speed up. His thrusts get sharper and the sound of their skins slamming against one another is turning him on even more.

James suddenly forces TJ to sit back and starts riding him at his own pace and TJ just leans back, supporting himself with his hands on the ground as he admires the show.

“Oh God… James…  You feel so damn good…” he strokes James’ side until he can grabs a handful of his ass.

James slams their mouths together, not breaking his pace a single second. TJ turns them around once more and stays still for a second, looking at his boyfriend panting and moaning for more.

“You’re so close, aren’t you?” he asks in a low voice and James only whimpers in response. “Come on, love… Come for me..” He starts fucking James hard and fast, getting him to moan and cry louder and louder at every thrust. TJ puts one hand around James cock and stroke him in rhythm. “I love you so fucking much…” he pants in James’ ear. He feels James tightening around his own cock and his whole body shudders as his orgasm hits him. He’s so gorgeous at that moment that it only takes a few more thrusts for TJ to follow him over the edge in a hoarse cry. James holds him in his arms through it all, still riding out of his own climax. They remain tangled on the floor for a while, kissing lazily.

“Oh God… We really need to switch more often…” James sighs.

“It’d be my pleasure” TJ answers in kind, chuckling a little. James’ fingers are lightly stroking his back and TJ finds it both relaxing and ticklish. He doesn’t want it to stop.

“TJ…” There’s something in James’ voice that light up all alarms in TJ’s mind. “I got a phone call for my boss earlier today…” TJ’s insides shrink. He knew it would happen someday, but so soon? “They send me away in January.”

TJ closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Where?”

“Iraq.”

Silence lingers between them. TJ hides his face so James doesn’t see the tears lingering in his eyes and says “that’s great. I’m so happy for you, you finally get to do what you wanted. It’s fantastic, right?”

James grabs his chin and forces him to look up at him “Don’t lie to me, please…” he begs.

“I am happy for you, James… I’m …. I just don’t want to lose you, that’s all…” TJ finishes in a small voice.

“You won’t lose me… It’s a three months mission. It’ll be over in no time. I’ll send you mails every time I can. You will be so busy with your bar you won’t even see time passing.”

“I’ll miss you…”

“I’ll miss you too, poster boy… But I’m not gone yet, you know…”

“No you’re not… And I certainly plan on enjoying it as much as possible…” TJ kisses James, trying to ignore the fear eating his chest like a poison.


	12. It’s a nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry for the delay... I'm not used to having people actually reading me and I appreciate you kicked my ass to get this done. I hope you'll enjoy (even if I have a feeling you won't...)  
> I'm sorry I made you wait and unfortunately I can't tell you when the next chapter will occur. I started working a couple of month ago and it's taking A LOT of time and energy but I will keep on writing this story, don't you worry...  
> Thank you again

“Fuck that shit…”

“What the hell is wrong with you, TJ?”

TJ shrugs. He doesn’t know, it’s just a bad day, and it’s been so long since the last one, it kind of takes both him and Kat by surprise. He’s restless, keeps on picking up stupid fights and just can’t help being awful. Kat, being Kat, just doesn’t enter his little game and most of the time he ends up grumbling to himself. He knows he’s like that and he hates it, but he just can’t stop himself. It’s like he has an itch to scratch and he’s unable to relieve himself.

James is gone. It’s been two whole month (two month, two days and eleven fucking hours, he knows it’s stupid but he can’t help counting) and TJ feels like someone ripped his heart out and put it back after carving a hole in it. It’s probably the first time ever any absence is _that_ painful. Sure he missed his father after he started to be more preoccupied by his political career than by his son… Sure he missed his mother when she followed Bud’s footsteps. Damn sure he missed – still does – his brother when he turned out to be the perfect son Elaine and Bud always wanted and TJ remained the ugly duckling of the family. But now…. It’s like he’s missing a part of himself… A vital one… A part of his soul. He feels like he can’t breathe deep enough to have enough air. Like he’s always short of oxygen somehow.

And it doesn’t matter how often they manage to talk to one another, or how often James mails him. It’s not the same. Tho he loves sharing everything with James, and he’s excited because James is so happy about finally doing what he’s always dreamt of, TJ is starving for his presence. His hugs. His kisses. Like an insidious pain sneaking beneath his skin.

 But so far, he dealt with it rather well. At least he thinks so.  He’s been quite busy with the whole bar acquisition thing. Kat and he decided to give it a new look before re-opening it. So for quite a while, TJ has been lost in tables and chairs designs, paints color and work of arts. He wanted to put some of Kat’s work on the walls and she’s been a little hard to convince, but TJ can turn out to be as stubborn as she is sometimes and he ended up winning that little fight. They were also busy hiring staff and figuring out how they are going to function. Kat decided very early that TJ will be the one in charge of the whole music programming and the first thing he does is hiring Alyse and Ness on regular nights. But mostly on opening night.

Finding a new name has been tricky, but Kat convinced him for “La Bohème” (just to hear her saying it with the perfect accent (thanks to a six months internship at Paris’ Arts University), and hear the rest of the world struggling to say it. Plus, he likes it.) He was sad James couldn’t be here for the opening, but they managed to skype that night for enough time that TJ felt like a part of James was with him.

His father and brother came by (of course Elaine couldn’t…) and, even if the phantom of TJ’s last opening night lingered for a little while between them, it was soon forgotten when they found out what Kat and TJ made of the bar. TJ is still not sure Doug has recovered from discovering Kat’s pieces of art. And Bud from Alyse. They left somehow reassured and happy for TJ.

Alyse and Ness had been perfect that night. They found a whole band to join them and it had been a huge success. TJ had a busy night trying to supervise everything, but the few articles about “the White House terrible child’s amazing jazz bar” that were published the next day were a million time worth it. He may have scanned them and sent them to James.

But today, he feels completely useless. He just can’t focus on one thing for more than five minutes and keeps pacing in the flat, making random noises, starts playing piano just to stop after a couple of notes, picks a book for a couple of pages before putting it back down….

“Just sit down for five fucking minutes, would you?” He obeys but finds himself wriggling within a minute. Kat shoots him a disapproving look that doesn’t really hide her worry. “Want to go out tonight?” TJ shakes his head. Not in the mood for a crowd bath. Kat probes him. “Need to change your mind tho, right?” TJ shrugs. “ok then… I think I know what we can do…”

She stands up without waiting for an answer and picks up three dvds on the shelf before tossing them at TJ.

“Are you kidding me?”

“You promised me you would do a marathon with me one day…” she pouts at him.

“I’m not sure I’m in the right mood to enjoy all the wonders of _the Lord of the Rings_ , love….” He objects, watching her walk to the bar. She grabs a bottle of vodka with a smile.

“But sweetie, I got exactly what we need to spice it up…” she says tentatively.

TJ finds himself laughing. Oh well… at least he’ll maybe manage to get this feeling to be empty out of his system, if only for…

“Eleven hours and a half?” he looks up from the three dvds on his lap. “Are you kidding me? Couldn’t we start with the normal editions?” he protests.

The look Kat shoots him would have make any sane person hide in a hole. “Go big or go home” she declares darkly.

“All right, all right…” TJ surrenders, not even mildly impressed. “Don’t lose your shit…. I really hope it’s worth it…”

The rules, as for every single drinking game, are quite simple. They have to get a sip at random moments, such as close-up to the ring, elvish speaking, gay anything between Frodo and Sam (that one TJ really likes and abuse, making Kat protest more often than not, but she still drinks, so whatever…), a shot every time Legolas saying something deep(ly ridiculous) (which is tricky, because the more they drink, the more everything seems ridiculous…) and a bunch of others Kat always has to remind TJ of…

Let’s say TJ is pretty sure to remember three quarters of the first movie. The second one is more of a blur, and Kat always adding “one shot” rules is not helping at all. TJ doesn’t even remember how they manage to put the dvds in the player after the beginning of the third movie. He’s so tired everything makes him laugh hysterically. But at least he stops thinking, and feeling terrible. He passes out somewhere after Pippin lights the beacons...

\-----

“Hmmmf… hateya…” TJ manages to spit out against the cushion. A groan is the only response he gets. Kat is against him, both all tangled on the couch. Someone is playing drums in the back of his skull, and tap dancing in the front at the same time.  Light is killing his eyes when he tries to open them, so he decides he’s fine keeping them close for now. “’twas a _terrible_ idea” he grumbles. “didn’t even see that fuckin’ ring gettin’ destroyed for fuck sake”

“… tch it again” is the only part he manages to get.

“Whatwaszat?”

“We will …  watch it again” this time, Kat has made the effort to speak louder – and clearer.

“Never ever fuckin’ again” TJ whines in the cushion. He can feel Kat chuckle next to him and tries to blindly and weakly hit her, but with his eyes closed, the only thing he manages to reach is another cushion. It only makes Kat laugh harder, but it ends in a moan of pain.

“God, do you also have the whole Riverdance crew training inside your head?” she asks. He only nods in response.  “Hmm lemme get some aspirin, k?” He feels Kat leaving his side and hears her footsteps slowly fading but he still doesn’t want to move. It just feels like his body weights a ton. He might fall back asleep just a tiny little bit, maybe…   Kat startles him awake and shoves a pill in his hand. “Take that, T…”

He hums and manages to bring his hand to his mouth to swallow the pill before falling back asleep.

\------------

“TJ… you have to wake up…”

“leavemealone…”

“TJ, come on, wake up, you have to see…”

“I hope you have a really good reason…“ he threatens before opening an eye. His head is still hurting a little but it is much more bearable than last time he woke up.

“TJ… look at that.” There’s something in Kat’s voice that suddenly compresses his heart. TJ sits up and follows Kat’s gaze, fixed on the television.

“…. Still no information about who or why, but what we know for sure is that among the abducted Americans are two journalists and a cameraman from CNN and three photographers. We are now waiting for a video or any kind of proof that they are still alive at the moment. Our thoughts go out to their families and we…”

TJ feels like he just got hit by a car. In the chest. The lower middle picture is James. James is missing. It’s a nightmare. It has to be. He’s not awake, it’s just a nightmare, he’ll wake up soon and Kat will tell him everything’s fine. He… he can’t breathe. Air makes a strange sound – between a hiss and a rasp - when he tries to force it in. Why does his heart beat so damn loud? He has to wake up. _Come on, TJ, wake up! Wake up now!_ His heart is pounding so hard out of his chest, in his head. His stomach turns and he can only lean above the armrest before the vodka finds its way out of him.

He can’t really get what Kat is telling him – blood is making so much noise, pounding in his ears as well – but he feels her hands stroking up and down his back. He realizes he’s shaking and he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe and his heart hurts…  He retches again, his hands clawing to a cushion so hard it would hurt if he could actually feel them.

“TJ please… Just breathe in… Come on you can do it, love, breathe in…” Kat’s voice seems to come from so far away. He needs her closer. He can’t breathe and everything hurts and he’s probably dying. Kat grabs his hands in hers and forces them open. She’s pressed against him. “Come on, please… Breathe with me now…” He can hear the tears in her voice. He’s not alone. He’s not alone. He feels her chest rising against his back but he can’t do nothing more than gasping. “Come on TJ, with me.” This time he gets it a little better, but he still feels like his heart is going to explode in his chest.

“Please, please tell me it’s not real…” is the first thing that goes out once he catches a hint of breath. It’s drowned in tears and it nearly chokes him. The worst is the way Kat holds him tighter before whispering “I’m so sorry, TJ”.

He probably hasn’t cried that much since the night Sean left him. And this time hurts so much more. “No, no, no… Why? He… I…”  Kat shushes him and lulls him softly. “It’s not _fair_ , Kat…”

“I know, sweetie, I know…” she cries back against his shoulder.

‘He just wanted… He just… I _need_ him, Kat. I can’t… I…” he starts panting again at the thought of a life without James. “I… I…”

“Breathe, TJ… Just breathe…”

\-----

“What do you mean, ‘you can’t do anything?’???” Elaine opens her mouth but TJ doesn’t give her the opportunity to talk. “You’re the President, Mom!! The fucking President, and you can’t do ANYTHING for ME?”

“You know it doesn’t work like that, TJ, I can’t just… It’s more complicated than that and I need to take it all into…”

“Fuck off, Mom. You never did anything from me. It’s just like with Sean all over.”

“Don’t you dare saying this… Because I was wrong about him, maybe?”

“That’s not the point! James is…. He’s… I… I love him, Mom. I can’t… I can’t live without him…”

“Don’t say that. I forbid you….”

“Yeah right, fuck you.” The words are like venom in his mouth and Elaine looks like he just slapped him. “You know what, Mom?... Be the good little President you have to be, but remember this… If he dies…. If James dies, I’ll make sure you won’t find me on time…”

“TJ…” Elaine stutters as TJ walks out of her office. “TJ don’t you dare leaving like this and… TJ!” she shouts in the corridor but TJ ignores her and keeps on walking.

“You know…” Elaine jumps and turns around to meet Kat’s disapproving gaze. “One day, you will definitely lose him.”

“I won’t let you tell me how to…”

“I’m not telling you anything. Just pointing out something. Do what you want with it.”

Kat runs after TJ and puts her arms around his shoulders as they leave.

\--------

The worst part is probably seeing James’ parents crying for the camera. Knowing that they kicked their son out and refused to even let him see his own sister and never helped nor got some news or whatever… TJ is so angry he starts shouting at the television and sends himself down in another panic attack.

But he can’t risk missing a news so he’s always watching CNN and every damn hour they broadcast the interview back, and every time TJ clenches his teeth so hard he’s surprised they haven’t shattered yet.

The worst moment is probably when they release the video. TJ doesn’t even listen at the translation, doesn’t even look at the CNN journalist in the middle, surrounded by hooded, heavily armed guys. His eyes are stuck at the left corner of the screen. At the far end of the hostage line.

_He’s alive._

_…._

For now.

\------------

“You really love this one, do you?” TJ nods, his heart pounding hard in his chest, waiting for the sentence.

“Dad, please… Don’t let her… I…” His voice breaks and he tries to fight the tears.

“I’ll see what I can do about your mother, don’t worry…” Bud says, pulling TJ in a hug. TJ lets him, even clings to him a little, letting go of the tears. He didn’t even know one could cry that much. He should be dry by now, but tears keep coming out. “We’ll get him back, ok?” Bud forces TJ’s head up so their eyes lock. “We’ll get him back.” He repeats, nodding.

TJ tries to believe it. Wants to. Is so afraid to be wrong. But in the same time, why would he deserve happiness? He never did… It’s not fair.


	13. Just hold on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry for the delay, problems with my job that made it really hard for me to write... I'll try not to make you wait too long for the next one (if there's anyone left to read that story....)

TJ’s name ends up in the news. Of course. After all, James and he went to the Thanksgiving dinner together… Thanks to Kat, who acts like a Cerberus as soon as a journalist tends to try and get a little too close to them whenever they are out, it’s nothing he can’t handle. After a quick discussion with his father (as TJ is still too pissed off at Elaine to listen to her), they decided it would be for the best if he made an official statement. Plus Bud thinks it’ll force Elaine to actually do something if public opinion starts to support TJ and James (“Nothing moves crowds like star-crossed lovers, son…” he said with a laugh. TJ didn’t find it really funny, but he knows it’s true).

The worst part of it is probably being contacted by James’ family. The journalists’ interest in his life, he can deal with. He has grown used to it.  But this… This gets hard on his nerves.

He’s playing piano – he does that more and more, with the TV always playing in the background, mute, waiting for the time his interview will be aired. No one can get to him here, in his bubble of music, when he just lets his fingers live a life of their own on the black and white keys and where he remembers better days. Usually, Kat stays around. She barely ever leaves him alone these days. She knows how close he is, at any given moment, to give up to his old demons. Simply to forget the fear eating his guts, and to shake the feeling that he can’t do anything to help the most important person in his life. Even when they’re not talking, TJ is glad she’s here. As ever since he met her, she is his rock. Pushing him when he needs to, leaving him alone when he wants to. Intruding when she knows he’s wrong about that last one. And right now… She shares so much of his pain. He sometimes forgets it – forgets that James was Kat’s best friend before TJ even knew him, or her -  but a simple look at her and he can see she’s being eaten by the same fears he is.

He stops dead in the middle of his sonata when he hears the tone of Kat’s voice when she answers the intercom. He can’t get whatever the visitor says but hears her angry contained voice.

“How dare you come here? ……… No, I doubt he’d like to speak with you…” Sean? He wouldn’t dare… He never even tried to contact TJ after Kat’s little outburst. Why would he… “No, Robert. _I_ don’t want to talk to you either……… No, I think not.” Kat’s tone is dry and lights finally come into TJ’s mind. Robert. James’ father. TJ stands up and walks to the door. “I’m sorry I had to do your job for more than 10 years, Robert, but _you’re_ the one who abandoned your own son…”

TJ is close enough so he can hear the answer. “I will not be judged by someone like you, young lady. You are one of the reason James became what he is and ended up there. So don’t you dare giving me that tone. I demand to talk with his… this… _boy_ ” The disgust is completely plain and Kat gives TJ a quick apologetic look, to which he only shrugs as an answer. He doesn’t care about that man’s disgust. Not with what he knows about him.

“Let him in” he silently mouths. He’s pretty sure Robert won’t leave otherwise. Let it be quick. _Please, let it be quick. I don’t want to see him, I can’t_ _stand it…._

“No way if you keep having this attitude.” Kat has her “I will stand none of your shit” attitude when she talks in the intercom again and TJ can’t help a little smile when he thinks how sorry Robert will probably soon be…

“I…”

“You don’t get to come in _my_ house and act like a total jerk… Otherwise I’m dragging you out of here by the scruff of your ass… Are we clear?”

Only silence answers her and with a victorious little smile, she lets James’ father in. She gives TJ a look that he easily deciphers: if Robert as much as steps out of line, he’s going to be out of here before he can say any other word. TJ certainly won’t fight her on that. Maybe he will even help her a little.

His heart shrinks a little when he hears a knock on the door, but TJ pushes it away. Robert enters their flat and shoots a disdainful look at Kat, before looking at TJ up and down with a critical glance.

“So…. You’re that _TJ_ boy…” TJ can’t help a little chuckle when Robert keeps on with a “Never understood how your father let you step out of line that way… Such a marvelous man, but so _weak_ when it comes to his family…”

“Hey! You don’t get to talk about my father like that!” TJ stops laughing in a second and interrupts Robert before Kat does it. “You let my family out of it! Say what you have to say and then just leave. Go back to lying to the press about how much you love your son, and how perfectly normal he is and how _proud_ of him you are…. We both know the truth, don’t we? It would kind of break your whole magical little story, if the press comes to know you tried to beat the gay out of him, and then left him to rot alone in the streets…. Right?” All the anger TJ couldn’t feel until then because of his fear of losing James is now bubbling up in his chest. He wants to hurt that man. So bad.  For everything James has told him. Every defection. Every violence.

Robert suddenly looks like he’s sucking on a lemon. “You know nothing about him, or about us… and…” he spits “I don’t want you to talk to the press about whatever unnatural thing going on between the two of you…”

“Oh well, boohoo, it’s already out there…” Kat sarcastically answers. “I’m actually surprised you didn’t sue every single newspaper who dared mentioning it…”

Robert turns angrily to her but she shoots him a warning glance while crossing her arms on her chest and it makes him stop dead in his track. “They have no proof of it, and I plan on it staying that way” he coldly declares.  TJ could nearly laugh if he wasn’t that pissed.

“No proof? Bringing him as my date to an official dinner wasn't proof enough? And if this is why you’re here, I have bad news for you…” TJ points at the TV screen he can still see a corner of behind Robert. His interview is finally airing. Talk about irony… Robert’s face completely falls when he sees TJ on the TV. “So what’s the next step, now? How do you plan to make me fit in your little fairytale story?”

“You…. _filth_ … How dare you do this to my … My son is no a monster like you…. A _fag_ … I won’t…” Robert breathes hard, his face turning a nice shade of red and takes a step towards TJ, his hands tensed in two menacing fists. TJ doesn’t move an inch and it seems to piss Robert off even more. He raises his fist, very clearly to hit TJ, but TJ can’t really bother about it. He thinks he might even be smiling.

“Ok, time’s off!” Kat cuts Robert and grabs him by the collar before opening the door and pushing him out. “Go vent someplace else. And please forget where we live.” She adds before slamming the door in his face and locking it.

“I won’t let you smear my name that way, you hear me? You won’t make it out of it unscathed. I’ll break you. I’ll…”

“Yeah, yeah…” Kat crabs, pulling TJ towards the living room. TJ doesn’t even realize he’s shaking until she forces him to sit on the couch. He looks at his own shaky hands, frowning, while Kat drowns Robert’s voice and the kicks in the door under some welcomed music. He jumps a little when her hands cover his and holds them tightly enough to stop the shaking. “It’s fine, TJ… Sweetie, you hear me? We’re going to be fine…”

TJ inhales sharply, not knowing how long he’s been holding his breath for. He breathes unsteadily a couple more times before he’s able to actually speak. “What if… This was a terrible mistake, Kat… I’m not helping him, I’m not… He’s …” His throat is so tight, there’s a lump he can’t get rid of and he feels like he’s choking right now.

“I …” He can hear tears in Kat’s voice. “I wish… I wish I could tell you we’ll get him back, but I don’t know, TJ… I don’t know…” TJ lets out a sob that feels like it rips his chest. “I’m sure it’ll make things move, at least… That’s the best we can hope for right now, ok? I’m sure he’s fighting his best to come back to us…” Of course, James will hold as long as possible. But TJ knows there’s only so much you can take before you break.

\--------

Strangely, fear, pain or hunger aren’t the worst things. What bothers James the most is… the stench. The heavy smell of urine, vomit and blood mixed together, making him retch violently. He closed his eyes tightly, trying not to hear that poor woman screaming. They tried, with another journalist. They tried to stop that man. James can’t feel his left hand anymore, but he knows someone applied a tourniquet above his elbow to stop him from draining his blood out. The other man who stood up… A bullet in the head tends not to be forgiving.

His thoughts seems to be on alternating current. Keeps on jumping from present moment to what awaits him home. _Home_ … Strange, how he thought he would never find anyone he’d like to build a home with and then risking it all for his childhood dream… He wants to be in TJ’s arms now. Hear Kat’s laugh. Be warm again. Just a second. But the smell… the smell won’t let him leave here. He’s so cold…

“James… James!” Someone shakes him until he opens his eyes, but he can only see a blur. “James, you stay with us, ok, kid? Hold on!”

“Yeah, sure” he mutters, his head rolling from side to side.

“You’ve been so brave… Just hold on, it’ll be over soon, ok?” James only hums in response. “James? Come on, son, wake up!”

Yeah, just a minute, TJ. Just a minute….

\-----

They are both startled by the knock on the door. Kat pets his hair one last time before standing up. Both their tears had dried out some times ago, but none are ready for another confrontation right now. TJ feels like he’s going to puke his heart at any given moment.

“Who’s there?” Kat calls out.

“Kat? It’s Becky…”

Kat freezes for a second before fighting with the lock and opening the door. It doesn’t take TJ more than a breath to figure out who Becky is. She looks so much like James, a blind man could figure out they are siblings.

“Kat, I didn’t know… I didn’t… He lied, all this time I was so mad at James and it was all _lies_ and…”

Kat just opens her arms as Becky stumbles on the threshold with a broken cry. “It’s fine, Becky… It’s all right, James knows that…. He never thought ill of you…”

“I thought he had abandoned me… And I hated you both for so long, Kat….” Becky’s voice is muffled against Kat’s shoulder. “I had no idea what Dad did to him…”

Kat and TJ share a look and TJ nods before heading to the kitchen to make some tea. He hears Kat whispering softly words of comfort to the poor girl in her arms.

Once Kat has Becky seated and her sobs turns into sniffles, TJ pours everyone a cup of tea and sits on the floor in front of the two of them.

“You know, I didn’t believe my eyes when I saw the picture of you at the White House Thanksgiving…” Becky says with a sad smile. “You looked so happy together…”

“We were. We are. I’m sorry we meet like this, Rebecca” TJ starts. “James always speaks so highly of you… You know, he always managed to follow what you were doing, from afar.”

“He always regretted so much your father dragged you into all this…” Kat adds.

“I had no idea what… Dad just said Jay crossed the line and was disrespectful, and that you dragged him in the pit with you.” Becky looks at Kat, guilty. “That both of you refused his help. That he reached out and you only spat on him. He said Jay didn’t want to have anything to do with any of us anymore. And I believed him. I mean, Jay never tried to reach me, so …”

“Darling… He wrote you thousands of letters…” Kat interrupts her kindly. “Robert has never been good to him. He didn’t want his son to be who he really is…. It ended up really badly. Violently. But James didn’t want to leave you alone. He never wanted that. I wish he could tell you all this himself, Beck. He cried so much when he realized your father has taken you away from him…”

Fresh tears start rolling on Becky’s cheeks. “I’m so sorry…”

“It’s not your fault…” TJ reassures her. “We all know it. He knows it too…”

Silence falls as Becky weeps on her lost brother, Kat gently stroking her back.

“Can I… Would you tell me how… how did you met him?” she finally finds the courage to ask. “I saw your interview and… You seem to love him so much… I was just wondering… I mean, if you don’t mind…”

“I don’t. Really.” TJ stops her with a small smile. “And I do. Love him I mean.” She smiles back, a tiny, tensed smile that must match his perfectly.

It takes both Kat and TJ to share the story. Apparently, TJ tends to embellish everything and Kat gladly puts things back to their place. They even manage to laugh once or twice, and it feels like such a relief for the three of them. The afternoon slowly turns into the evening, filled with stories, all the little adventures Kat shared with James at university, every moment TJ wants to share with Becky. It almost feels like James is here with them.

\-------

“He’s not answering anymore… The fever is getting worse”

James can barely hear the voices now. He can only feel the cold. And the pain. Now all he can smell is blood. He feels someone is trying to make him drink, but he spits back almost all of it, coughing hard. His shivers are sending waves of pain from his arm to the rest of his body. He doesn’t know where he is anymore.

“’m sorry” he mutters.

“What? James? Do you hear me?”

“’mso sorry”

“It’s fine, son…. Just keep holding on there, ok?”

The voice is rough, low. Far too low. TJ. That’s not TJ. Breathing is hard. He needs TJ to know he’s sorry. He needs him and Kat to know he loves them both. That he wishes he didn’t come here. There’s just too much noise around him. People are screaming.

“msosorry” he mutters one last time, before slipping in a welcoming darkness. He’s so cold.

\--------

Kat is delighting them with more stories of James bargaining with teachers at university – to get his set of nudes to be displayed like every other student’s work, currently - when TJ feels his phone buzzing in his pocket. He grabs it and stops dead, staring at the screen.

“TJ? Are you ok?” Kat asks, concerned by the look on his face. He just turns the screen to the two women. The text is from Doug.

_Things are moving. I’ll keep you posted. DON’T DO ANYTHING NOW._

TJ can’t even process how he’s feeling right now. Finally. What if it’s too late?

How can a broken heart still feel like it’s shattering?


	14. I just wanted to see him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops it's a little short.

It has been two days. Two days during which TJ can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t stand being stuck inside, can even less stand being outside with  _people_ . Whatever food Kat tries to make him eat goes back out almost immediately and he’s afraid to fall asleep because of the nightmares waiting for him when he closes his eyes. He’s even more afraid to see the nightmares his future may have in store for him.

Kat isn’t much better, but she tries to hold on for the two of them. Strong, amazing Kat. They cling to each other like they’re the only thing that stops the other from sinking. Sara, Kat’s girlfriend, has basically moved in after Kat called her on the edge of tears and she has been nurturing the two of them for the last two days.

All Doug can say is that “things are moving, but nothing is sure right now, just wait and don’t blow it up by talking to anyone…” It’s not helping. There are still many coverages on tv, but nothing new. No more videos, no more photos… It means that they didn’t execute any of their hostages, which is great news. Right? Not knowing is the worst thing in the world. Worse than overdose. Worse than withdrawal. Worse than feeling like a failure to your parents for your whole life. TJ doesn’t know how long he’s going to stand it until he explodes.

Waiting is excruciating.

\-----

He doesn’t feel anything anymore. It’s like he’s floating in cotton. He’s there. Everywhere at once. Nowhere at all. He can hear voices, but they are so far away he can’t grasp what they are saying. Hands are touching him, but it’s like they are touching someone else’s body.

Then suddenly pain explodes, radiating from his left arm.

He would scream.

If only he could.

\-----

It’s the middle of the night when he gets the text message.

_“It’s done. They are being brought to a military hospital in Balad. I’m not sure yet if James has made it. I’ll keep you posted.”_

The die has been cast. And TJ feels like something is slowly crushing his heart.

\-----

TJ feels like he’s high. James’s alive.

He’s in that hospital near Bagdad. Doug told TJ and Kat that James is still compromised. Doug tries to explain that James won’t be exactly the same as he was when he left. The medical staff had to take the decision to amputate his arm above his elbow, because of gangrene. TJ doesn’t care about James’ arm. He’ll be his left arm for the rest of his life if James survives. TJ would swear it to God, if only he still believed in him.

The thing is, James isn’t safe yet. He’s fighting a septicemia and his condition is still life-threatening. TJ can’t really hear that part. It is somewhere in the back of his mind. Along with the crippling anxiety telling him there’s no way this ends up well. He doesn’t deserve a happy ending.

But James made it out of this hell. As soon as his condition is stabilized, he’ll be brought back home. Back to TJ.

The waiting isn’t over.

\-----

It’s a whole week before they decide James can be moved. He’s in a drug-induced coma, but he’s stable enough to come back home.

The rest of the hostages have already been brought back. Three of them were in coffins. TJ couldn’t handle hearing anything they had to say about what they’ve been through. From the little he’s heard, he understands that James tried to stop an assault. The stupid brave bastard. TJ will probably kill him for that once he’s sure James won’t die on him.

It’s only a matter of minutes now, and TJ is pacing in a hospital corridor, despite Bud having asked him about ten times to “Just sit down, son. It won’t make him arrive any sooner…”

Doug’s phone rings and both TJ and Kat turn their heads to him. They anxiously wait for him to raise his head up with a little smile.

“He’s on the roof, they are bringing him down…”

TJ grabs Kat’s hand and tries to move as close as possible to the elevator door. She throws her arm around his shoulder as they wait.

“He’s made it, TJ… He’s back to us…” she whispers, her voice slightly trembling. He inhales sharply, nodding and trying – failing – to give her a smile.

Medical staff starts to gather around the elevator, blocking the view for the two of them when the doors finally open. TJ is so focused trying to see anything, stretching his neck as far as he can, that he doesn’t register the bustle in his back.

He can’t get a proper look at James, only bits and pieces. He sees pale skin, stretched on far too apparent bones, closed eyes… A tube down his mouth. A hand laying, motionless, on a white sheet. He hears the steady beeps of the cardiac monitor while the staff scrambles around the bed and starts to take James away.

“Wait!” TJ calls, but they ignore him and quickly go through a double door that shut close behind them, leaving TJ staring at the “Staff only” sign painted on it.

“James…” he whispers hopelessly.

“TJ… TJ we have to go, there’s a problem…”

TJ is trying to see anything through the window, just to catch a glimpse of what’s happening on the other side of that fucking door and he doesn’t hear the fear in Doug’s voice. It’s only when someone starts to scream and Kat grabs his arm in her strong grip that he turns around. Right in time to see a woman breaking the security cord and aiming at them with a handgun. His brain doesn’t register what happens when he sees one of his father’s bodyguards, Will, turning toward them, shouting for them to crouch before falling down, a patch of blood blooming on the back of his vest.

TJ gasps at the sight when his brain finally catches up. He’s known Will since he was a child in the White House and… He looks around, Bud has already been brought to safety by his other bodyguards, Doug has hidden in an open room across the corridor, where Kat is desperately trying to drag him. The woman is still shooting aimlessly, screaming in a language TJ doesn’t know.

“No, I have to help him, Kat…”

“TJ, no, come on…”

He fights for a second before letting go. She’s right, how could he possibly help? He let her drag him backwards.

They are just inches away from Doug when TJ is brutally thrown against Kat. He doesn’t understand what’s happening. There’s a warmth spreading on his chest and he has a hard time taking a breath. He can hear Doug screaming his name, but from miles away. He thinks Kat drags him in the room, but he’s not sure. He can see the two of them above him, he feels Kat’s hands pressing on his chest. He tries to open his mouth but can only gasp for a couple of times.

“It’s ok, TJ, we’ll take care of you, ok? You’ll be fine…” he hears her saying.

TJ blinks and feels tears rolling down on his cheeks. He was right all along. See? No happy ending. Doug is crying too, repeating over and over “No, no, no please… Don’t do this TJ, please…”

TJ feels like he is falling in a dark hole. He manages to take one deep breath. There’s blood in his mouth.

“I… I just wanted to see him”

He doesn’t hear Kat’s answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I'm not sorry... :)


	15. There’s nothing we can do

Bip…  _bip…_ Bip… _bip…_ Bip… _bip…_

James tries to shake his head, but it’s too much of a movement. There something in his throat and he tries to swallow it. Once more. It doesn’t go away.

Bip… _bip…_ Bip… _bip…_ Bip… _bip…_

It’s like an echo. One sounds like it’s further away. Just one matches his own heart. Both are annoying. He just wants to stay asleep. No pain was nice. He can feel it creeping back. In his arm… Not all of it. Where before pain was like a fire eating his left side, now it’s more like a ring around … his elbow? Maybe a little bit higher. Spreading its tentacles up to his shoulder.  He can’t really tell where it comes from and he sure as hell doesn’t want to feel it any more.

“James? You son of a bitch, you’d better open your eyes if you hear me… Come on James, please…”

Kat sounds like she’s been crying. Kat never cries. Why is she crying? His eyelids flutter while he really tries to do as she asks. He owes her that. Fuck the pain, he can’t let Kat down.

Everything is blurry and far too bright and he has to blink a few times to chase tears from his eyes. 

“Hey…” He can hear the relief in her voice and feels a shift on his right side. She’s squeezing his hand. “Don’t freak out, you have a tube down your throat to help you breathe, ok? Try not to fight it, they’ll take it out quickly…” He nods slightly and slowly turns his head to look at her. “You scared the crap out of me, James… Please don’t do that again, would you?”

There are fresh tears rolling down her cheeks and he wants so much to apologize, to tell her he will never go away again, but he can’t talk. He wants to ask where TJ is, too.  He needs to see the second half of his lifeline. Now.

Despite the pain, he tries to raise his left hand to sweep her tears. If there’s a strange, light feeling about his left arm, he only thinks that because of the drugs he’s been put on. Then he sees. And he can’t help his breathing to freeze and a broken, muffled whimper to escape his lips. The beeps quicken as his brain tries to understand.

“James you need to breathe… It’s gonna be fine, please just breathe…” Kat’s voice is urgent, but when she grabs him by his shoulders, he loses it. He jerks away, and screams the best he can, despite the tube in his throat hurting like hell. Kat tries to pin him to his bed while he struggles as hard as he can. Nurses come in and force Kat to step back. They are less gentle. He ends up crushed on his left side, a white, burning pain irradiating from his arm –from what’s left of it, he thinks. There're stars behind his closed eyelids as pain make him shed excruciating tears. But when he opens his eyes again, what he sees on the other side of the room makes him wish he never did.

He hears a sound, it’s like a dying animal to his ears. It’s only when his throat starts really hurting he understand it’s coming out of him.

TJ is lying on a bed just like James’. A cardiac monitor, a tube down his throat, tubes coming out of his body, everywhere. He’s not moving, he’s so pale and James wants to reach out for him but…

He barely feels the sting of the needle, between the pain in his arm and the one in his heart. But his vision quickly blurs out as the nurses instruct him to stop fighting and to let it go. They say everything will be fine but he knows they are lying. He’s on his back again and Kat, this time hardly containing her sobs, takes his right hand again.

He starts losing consciousness when a last broken moan escape his lips.

“I’m sorry, James… He got shot, just when you arrived. They… They don’t…”

James closes his eyes and calls for darkness, because he doesn’t want to hear the rest.

\---

“I said it wasn’t a good idea!”

“Well it’s not like they’ve given us much choice… It was that or they would have shared room with perfect strangers! Intensive care units is overloaded lately…”

Kat huffs at Bud. “He’s still extremely weak, and his arm is already a big chunk to swallow… Seeing TJ almost… His heart … He…”

Doug steps between them and takes Kat in his arms “Hey, there… He’s fine now, ok?... And we couldn’t have lied to him, and you know he would have asked you where TJ was first thing…”

“I could have… I would…” Kat’s voice is muffled against Doug’s shoulder.

“Shhh….” He says again, stroking her back until she pulls herself together.

“I’m sorry”, she says when she extracts herself from Doug’s arms and heavily sits on the chair set between the two beds. “I don’t usually break that easily, it’s just…”

“We get that, dear.” Bud taps on her shoulder sympathetically before sitting on the edge of TJ’s bed and taking one of his son’s hands in his. “We get that…”

\----

They have put lights in his eyes and he just shakes his head and shuts his eyes tight to keep them away.

“James, can you open your eyes for us please?”

He weakly shakes his head. Again. He doesn’t want to. Maybe if he keeps his eyes closed, then what he thought he saw before will just be part of his nightmares. He wants to keep believing it.

“Alright, then… Can you take one deep breath for me?”

He does it. Maybe if he does what they ask, they will leave him alone.

“That’s very good, James. Now take one more…”

He coughs hard as he feels the tube getting pulled out of his throat. It feels like he’s going to puke, but his stomach is painfully empty and it burns in his chest every breath he takes in. He can’t handle the pain anymore, he just wants it to stop, why do they force him to go through all this…

“You did very well, James. It’s alright, breathe deep…”

“Give him one more dose of morphine” he faintly hears a second voice in the background. There’s a shuffle on his right side and something is pushed in the catheter in the crook of his arm. It’s cold, and it’s uncomfortable and… Pain goes away, softly. He can’t hold back his sight of relief.

“We’ll come back to check on him later, ok?” The voice has moved off.

“Thank you” Of course she’s here. He thinks she probably didn’t leave any of them since… God knows how long he’s been out.

He hears footsteps and a door opening and closing back. He still keeps his eyes closed.

Silence settles in the room, only disrupted by the twin beeps of the monitors. James thinks it’s almost funny, the way their hearts beat almost in unison.

“James…” Kat whispers softly. She sounds pained and it breaks his heart, but he can’t… he can’t do that… “Please, open your eyes… I need you back…”

“I can’t…” he whimpers, turning his head to her. Her hands cup his face and he can feel her breath on his cheeks.

“I know it’s hard, love… But I need you on this one… please…” She wipes tears with her thumbs. “James…”

He finally opens his eyes, squinting them under the assault of the faded lights. He tries to ignore the body lying down behind Kat and focuses on her face only.

“Hey…” she exhales.

“Hey” he softly answers. His throat is still sore from being intubated and screaming his lungs out, so that’s probably the loudest he’ll manage to be for a while.

They remain silent for a while, just staring at each other, Kat’s thumbs still lightly stroking his cheeks. James has to stop himself several times when his eyes begin to wander a little too much. Every time it’s like his heart is trying to escape from his chest. The fourth time, Kat sighs.

“It’s just bad luck, really…” James shoots her an inquisitive look. “This woman… her husband died here after a car crash a couple of months back, and she seemed to think it’s the hospital fault. So she just wanted to make as much damage as possible. As retaliation. But as we wanted to be here for you when you arrived… Bud was here too. And she thought it would be even better to get a former president down with her…”

James closes his eyes again, not sure he wants to hear more. Still his brain decides to ask “Is he…?”

“Bud?” Kat sounds surprised at the idea. “Oh no. He has a very good security service. A real shame we were too far away to benefit from it…”

“How?...”

“One of Bud’s bodyguards tried to come and protect us, but he got shot – he’s fine… well… out of danger… - and we were trying to hide but TJ… She got him, I didn’t see it coming. He just… collapsed…”

James wants to grab her arm, because he can see how guilty she feels about not being able to prevent it, and he needs her to know he doesn’t blame her one second. He tries to do it, before remembering he doesn’t have a left hand anymore. He fails to swallow the lump in his throat while raising his right hand and putting it on top of Kat’s hand before squeezing. He can’t talk right now. He may throw up if he tried. So he hopes she understands anyway.

“The bullet went so close to his heart… They said it was a miracle. That if he wasn’t already in a hospital, he would never have made it…”

“Is he … is he safe now?” he forces himself to ask. His mouth tastes like death and he can’t stop his tears from falling down.

Kat stares at him for a second, then closes her eyes and shakes her head.

“His lung has been damaged and… his… his heart stopped at one point during surgery… They think maybe it stopped for a little too long…” Kat takes a deep breath before finishing with a shaky voice. “They don’t even know if he’s going to make it out of his coma at that point…” She deserves a medal for being able to go through it all, because fresh tears are running down her face and she ends up in a heartbreaking sob.

James tries to pull her as close as possible, hiding a wince of pain and his own tears in her hair. He wishes he could tell her it was going to be fine, and that TJ would make it – how was James supposed to survive if TJ didn’t? But he can’t. He can’t get the words out, because he knows they are just lies, and he just…

An alarm sets off, disrupting his train of thoughts. James and Kat turn around while nurses rush around TJ’s bed. James can’t really get what they say, but he hears the beeps of the other monitor speed up and up… He tries to get out of his bed, only to have Kat pushing him back. He lets go of a groan of pain as she goes “Oh my god I’m sorry James… I didn’t mean to hurt you…. But we have to let them work, there’s nothing we can do…”

“No no no, you don’t… He needs me, Kat, I need to…” he struggles against her arms.

“Shhh…. Calm down, James, please…”

One of the nurses turns to them at the noise and walks to James. Behind her, people are injecting stuffs in TJ’s perfusion, checking things on the monitor, bringing a defibrillator close to the bed. She quickly looks at James’ own monitor while he groans “Go take care of him, I’m fine, I just want…”

“He’s well taken care of, sweetie. And you need to rest, which you can’t do if you stress yourself like that…” The nurse gives a quick look at Kat before preparing a needle. At the same time, he hears the sound of a flat line coming from the monitor behind Kat. James feels like he just ran a marathon, and he can’t breathe, and his chest aches.

“No, don’t… not again… I’ll stay calm, I swear, please don’t… I need to stay with him please…. Please … No…”

It doesn’t matter how much James pleads, and tries to struggle more and more violently, he’s once more pinned to his bed and injected with whatever it is in that syringe. He feels himself moving away, the noises increasingly remoted, his last anchor being the hand Kat is still holding tightly. He is still muttering a litany of “No” until he completely dozes out.


	16. Waiting for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry I am not updating as often as I wish I could.... I will try to improve!  
> Thank you so much to anyone still sticking up with this story!!

Next time he wakes up, James stares at the ceiling, his eyes burning as he fights tears after remembering what happened. He can’t hear the beeps of any monitor anymore and he’s sure he’s been moved out of TJ’s room.

“Is he…?” he asks to the ceiling, unable to finish his question. A soft hand wipes his tears away and he closes his eyes and turns his face to muzzle into it.

“He’s still alive, Jamie…” He freezes for a second before opening his eyes. He can feel the anxiety slightly fading away. Not disappearing. Just lessening the pressure on his chest.

“Hey there…” His voice is raspy and he tries to smile. Fresh tears runs down his face.

“Hey there” Becky answers with a matching unsure smile. Her thumb keeps on lightly stroking his cheek and James closes his eyes again for a second. He takes a deep breath.

“I… You grew up so much… I thought he’d never…”

“Shhh… I’m sorry I let him do that to us, James. I sorry I trusted him when he told me you abandoned us. He told me you didn’t want to have anything to do with any of us…” Becky is clearly fighting for her voice to stay steady. “I didn’t know… I didn’t know he kicked you out… Or all the things he made you go through… I’m so sorry, James… I won’t let him decide for me anymore… I missed you so much…” She’s crying too now and James awkwardly tries to hug her the best he can while they both cry over the years they’ve wasted.

“I missed you too, sis.” He says, forcing her to look at him in the eyes. “I am so proud of everything you’ve done… I was there at your graduation ceremony and god… You looked so gorgeous up there, Beck…” He puts an escaped lock of hair back behind her ear, forcing himself to smile despite the tears. She sobs and laughs at the same time.

“I looked ridiculous in that thing…”

“No… No you didn’t…” They just stare for a moment. Then James takes a deep breath. “Becky… I want … I need to see him…”

She genuinely looks sorry when she shakes her head. “They won’t let you… You need to take care of you right now… please?” And before he can say a single word, she adds “ _I_ need you to, James… Please, I just have the chance to have my big brother back, don’t … Please… I’ve been so scared all these weeks, you have no idea…” She is crying again and James hates himself for it.

But he can’t help himself. “I need to know if he’s fine, Becky….” His voice is small and needy and he hates it too, but he’s too weak to fight it.

“He is stable, James…”  Kat enters the room with two cups in her hands and she gives one away to Becky. “It’s the worst coffee ever” she warns her. She turns back to James “That’s all we can hope for right now, James… He’s still alive, and he’s stable, and he’ll probably kill you if you keep putting yourself through all this for him… So just listen to your sister, and I swear I’ll come to you as soon as we have _anything_ new…” James swallows hard, wanting to protest. “Please, James… Trust me…”

“You know I always do…”

“Then rest and take care of yourself for just a little while?...”

James wants so much to say no, but Kat hardly ever asks him anything, so how could he… So even if it feels like dying a little more, he nods.

“Great!” Kat smiles at him. It’s not half the smile she uses to give, and James knows it’s just a façade, but he takes it. “Because we planned on getting you rid of this ugly beard….”

James brings his hand on his face and probably make an outraged face, because Kat and Becky both start laughing and as Becky was in the middle of taking a sip of her coffee, she nearly spits it all out and coughs.

“Yeah, it doesn’t really suit you…” she teases him when she manages to breathe normally again.

“Yeah well, it’s not like I had any access to anything back there…” he mumbles.

“You wouldn’t want TJ to see you like this when he wakes up…” Kat interrupts him. He can’t stop himself from think _If_ … He doesn’t say it out loud, but the silence who follows is a little heavy for everyone. Kat forces herself to keep going. “ … Who knows, maybe he’s into bearded lumberjack too…” She tries to sound light, fooling no one. “Doug gave me everything we need, now get your sorry ass seated so we can get going…”

James needs help to sit, because he tends to lose his balance a little since he’s one arm shorter… He still has a hard time realizing it, but he forces himself not to stare. It won’t make it grow back, he knows it, but… It doesn’t feel like it’s happening to him. There’s still this lingering hope that it may all be just another nightmare.

Kat’s firm hands coerce his head back up and even if she doesn’t speak a single word, what he sees in her eyes just makes him feel soothed, even if just a little, for the first time since he woke up. He let her take care of “that ugly beard” while he and Becky keep on trying to reconnect.

He does feel better once she’s done with it. He also feels exhausted. His breakdown, Becky, talking, sitting – even if it didn’t even last that long – is just too much for him right now and he barely register Kat leaving the room after promising she’ll come if anything new happened. Before he definitely dozes off, he manages to ask Becky “Will you still be here…?”

“I’m not going anywhere anymore, Jamie… I swear…”

He hums in response, already half-asleep.

\-----

Next time he wakes up, he’s whining because of pain, rolling from one side to the other the best he can to relieve it.

“James, Jay, talk to me… Please …”

“Becky…” he whimpers. “My hand… My hand, it hurts so much…. Please… Please make it stop….” He feels Becky’s hand –that was wrapping his right hand – disappear. “Don’t… don’t leave me Beck… please… I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I won’t do it again I swear, please…”

“Hey, there, I’m not going anywhere… I told you, remember?...”

He hears someone coming in. Asking what was going on.

“He says his hand hurts…”

“Hi James, can you look at me please?” It’s one of the nurses. They are, after all, rather nice. Considering.

“Please… It hurts…” he hates the way he whines but the pain is unbearable.  The nurse takes his right hand in hers, checking it out. “No… no…” he whispers.

“But you said…”

“The other one… please… make it stop…”

He can see the fear and incomprehension in Becky’s eyes when he says that. He knows it makes no sense, but still. His left hand hurts.

“Phantom pain…” the nurse mumbles in her breath. “Ok James, it’s all right… I’m going to give you some painkillers for now, and you will feel better quickly, how does that sound?”

“Please, please…” he pants through his gritted teeth.

This time he doesn’t fight it when he feels like he’s drifting away. Welcoming the numb sensation of not feeling his own body anymore. He knows Becky is talking with the nurse, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t feel anymore. Thank god, he doesn’t.

\----

Next time he wakes up, he feels a little better. So much so he manages to convince (more like forces) the nurses to let him go to TJ’s room. He has to go on a wheelchair that Becky pushes for him. But he doesn’t care. Whatever it takes. At least now he’s next to TJ, holding his cold, lifeless hand in his.

TJ is so pale. A machine is breathing for him, and James can’t help himself but breathe in time. His heart is steady now. They just fear his brain might have lacked oxygen for too long. Wait and see, they say.

James can’t lose hope, just like back there, if he loses hope, he’s dead. He never cried as much as he is since he woke up.

“I don’t know him much, but I really think he loves you…”

“Uh?” he forgot Becky was even there.

“He loves you, Jay. You should see how he was talking about you, how worried he was… I’m sure he loves you enough to come back to you…” She strokes his hair gently.

James hides his face in their joined hands. “I wish you’re right…” he manages to say.

“Of course she is, dumbass…” Kat interrupts from her corner. She gives him a critical look. “I think you should go back to your own bed, Jamie… You’re no good to any of us if you exhaust yourself to death…”

“I don’t want to leave…” James pouts. “I’ve barely seen him since I…”

“No discussion here, James. If he wakes up on you killed from exhaustion…”

James can’t help but dramatically sighs while Becky rolls him back to his room. Even from his bed, he tries to remember the rhythm of TJ’s respiration and to keep breathing in time. He knows it’s ridiculous, but still. If that’s the only way he can be connected with TJ, he will do it forever.

At least, until sleep knocks him out.

\----

“TJ…” James whispers, his lips just inches away from TJ’s ear. “Come on, love. You have to wake up now. Don’t go all Sleeping Beauty on me… Come on, wake up now, you little shit… You can’t do this to me, you hear me? You can’t keep me alive through hell and let me on my own… I need you, TJ. You are so much more than you think… You are so much more than your addictions, your failure, or whatever you think defines you. You are …”

James stops talking and turns his head to look at his hand, as always holding TJ’s like a lifeline.

“TJ?” his voice falters a little, but he forces it to get louder. “TJ, do you hear me?”

He feels it again. It’s light. Barely there. But he feels it. TJ’s hand squeezes his. James feels ridiculous to feel tears rolling down his cheeks. But it’s been a whole week and yesterday was his last night in the hospital. So the last bit of hope he can cling to feels like gold to him.

“Oh my god…” he cries softly. “Please TJ, I can’t possibly imagine how exhausting it is, but you have to come back, please… Please come back to me…”

The squeeze is stronger this time. James kisses TJ’s hand while speaking to him without a break. He hears Kat coming back in the room behind his back, but he doesn’t stop talking.

 “James?” Kat asks, clearly worried.

He shushes her while looking up to TJ’s face.

“Come on my love, please…. Please TJ. I’m waiting for you here, please don’t leave me there on my own…”

“What are you…” Kat stops dead in her track. James knows she saw it. He felt it again. Kat goes and sits on the other side of the bed and takes TJ’s right hand in her. She lets James talk, while she draws circles with her thumbs in TJ’s palm.

James speaks until he’s blue in the face, and TJ gets more reactive, but he still doesn’t open his eyes. Kat forces James to go back home to try and get some sleep, while Doug takes their place besides his brother. But James’ bed feels empty and cold without TJ, and the night is too dark, and too full of awful memories waiting for him to close his eyes. He ends up on the couch, with the TV on, but staring at the empty seat waiting for someone to sit on it in front of the piano.

\----

Learning to live with just one hand is not a process he can try to go through right now. If not for Kat and Becky, he would probably let himself starve and dehydrate. Even dressing up is a challenge he didn’t even imagine. He hates feeling so useless, but he can’t do anything without someone helping.

They all tell him it will come with time, but he feels worthless. Useless. Fucking dysfunctional. Sometimes phantom pains come back and knock him out until painkillers kick in. He’s ashamed of himself when it happens. How can’t his own brain understand there’s nothing? Nothing left that could be painful?

But he holds on. He bears it. He bears it if it allows him to come back here and sit next to TJ. Holding his hands. Talking to him. Waiting. As long as needed.

He’s still taken aback when TJ’s eyelids flutters and a pair of blue eyes link to his. TJ looks confused, and he tries hard to swallow and to cough.

“Hey, hey, love… You’re fine, you’re ok… Don’t freak out, you have a tube down your throat to help you breathe, ok?” He says, not realizing he was told the exact same thing two weeks ago.

He’s smiling like an idiot, he’s crying, his emotions are everywhere and he wishes he could hug the shit out of his boyfriend when TJ nods lightly and stop fighting. He seems fine. As fine as could be. He closes his eyes again as James strokes his hair and James just starts panicking.

“No no no, please don’t go again, please TJ don’t…” TJ opens his eyes again, confused. “Please don’t leave me again…” James mutters, hiding his face in the sheets.

The nurses walk in and ask him to step back, and he calls everyone he can think of while they take care of TJ. He feels close to a nervous breakdown, and he also feels like he could run a marathon. He doesn’t know what to do with himself.

They both made it. They are both alive. They can do it.

Right?


	17. I'll always come back for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is near...

“Who is TJ?”

\----

“James, please… open that damn door…”

“Leave me alone, Kat” James sniffs between two silent sobs. He can hear her sighing from the other end of the room, before her footsteps decrease again.

The bedroom feels colder and emptier than it ever has since James came back. He feels so empty right now. He can’t help seeing TJ’s face over and over again, the lost look in his eyes as he asked “Who is TJ?” It felt like someone pushed James down a stairway.

They said it may be temporary. That he should just give TJ some time, after all he’s been through. James knows he should stay strong for the two of them, but he can’t. He can’t. He just feels himself breaking down, and he has nowhere to hold on to.

He nearly jumps out of his skin when Kat comes back slamming on the door. He gapes as she starts yelling at him.

“James! For fuck sake, open that damn door now! You are _not_ staying alone, you hear me?” He shakes his head, even if she can’t see him.  “What about me? Do you think you’re alone in this? James… He forgot about me as well. What do you think? That I’m emotionless? That it doesn’t hurt me just as much as it hurts you?” She starts sobbing. “I can’t be strong for everyone, James. But we are in this together, and I need you… Please… Please don’t leave me alone…”

Tears are running down both their cheeks as James opens the door embraces her tightly.

“I’m sorry, Kat… I’m so sorry… It’s just unfair… I can’t…”

“Shhhh…” she stops him. “It will be fine. I won’t allow it any other way. You both deserve it, I deserve it. We’ll be fine, ok?”

James nods. He hopes she’s right.

\----

“You didn’t tell me your name yesterday…”

“Yes…” James’ voice is forcing its way through his throat. “I was a little…”

“Upset?” TJ looks sorry about it. James wants to cry, but he has to hold on, he has to…

“Surprised.” He corrects him. “My name is James. We are… We were… rather close friends” he decides to go with half a truth. Because they told him he shouldn’t pressure TJ into remembering. So he tries not to. He wants to kiss the hell out of him. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t even dare hugging him.

“Ok.” TJ just accepts the information. “I’m sorry I don’t remember.”

“It’s not your fault, TJ. It’s alright. You are alive, and that’s the only thing that matters for me.”

TJ thinks about it for a while. James just smiles as TJ observes him, focused on his face. His eyes then roams down to his left side.

“What happened to you?”

James closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I got shot. Then gangrene.”

TJ cocks his head a little, as if he is trying to understand something really important. He then sighs heavily. “My head aches…”

“It’s fine… Just close your eyes and try to sleep, ok?”

TJ nods and asks “Will you come back?”

“Of course. I’ll always come back for you…”

\----

 In the course of the following week, TJ manages to get some memories back. He knows who his family is. He remembers his childhood. It’s mostly the last months that keep getting out of his reach. Sometimes he gets frustrated, because he can feel he’s missing something important. He snaps at anyone telling him it’s all right. Because he knows it’s not. How could it be when he can _feel_ in his bones there is so much more to Kat and James than what they offer right now?

He heard the nurses telling them not to push him and try to make him remember by telling him stuffs. So he knows they are important, because why else would they come here every single day and spend day after day with him? But he can’t remember…

“We are friends.” James answers after the tenth time TJ asks him who they are for one another. TJ huffs. “I’m sorry, TJ? We will talk about it, I swear… When you can answer that question on your own, we will talk about it.”

TJ remembers he’s the kind of guy who loves to flirt and fool around, so he wonders if James is one of his one-night stands who turned out into a friend…

 Kat did told him they were roommates, so he has less questions about her. And the more time they spend together, the less questions he has. They get on really well, he can see why he liked her and speaking with her just comes naturally. The best part is she doesn’t treat him like he’s going to break anytime. It’s a nice change from his whole family…

\----

“No way. He’s coming back home. With me.”

Kat crosses her arms on her chest and just smiles at Elaine. Somehow, it makes TJ want to laugh.

“Hum… Mom? I’m right here, and I’m not five years old anymore… So if you don’t mind, I’d rather go home to where I’ve been living for the last months. I want to remember, and that’s probably the best way to go…”

“But TJ, you need…”

“…Rest. I need rest. I can get that in the flat where I have a bedroom and all, don’t you think? You won’t even be home that much if I go with you…”

Elaine looks like she just swallowed a lemon, then shrugs and tries to smile.

“As you wish, my love… But I’m here if you need me, ok?”

“I know, Mum. But I’m fine. I’m ok…”

\----

“You look like a zombie, James…” TJ says softly one morning.

James has trouble sleeping. He’s crashing on the couch, because TJ still doesn’t remember. Nightmares still wait for him every time he closes his eyes, and as he knows TJ needs his rest and Kat would exhaust herself to be there for him, he tries his best not to fall asleep to preserve them.  So he just shrugs.

“I’m fine.”

“Liar…” TJ answers with a sad little smile. “You know, even if I don’t remember what we shared, I can’t stop myself from caring… What’s wrong?”

TJ knows about Iraq. Well, he has a general idea of what happened. He’s been home for a week now, and two days ago, James woke up from a nap he took in Kat’s bed, screaming and shaking. Kat had talked him out of his nightmare. Once James was comfortably settled in the couch with a hot cup of tea, TJ had come and sit next to him, concerned. And James told him. The bare minimum. To his surprise, TJ took his cup from his hand and drew him in a tight hug. James just closed his eyes and breathed him in, finding it more soothing than anything else.

“Just nightmares, TJ. Nothing I can’t handle.” He says with a smile. He knows TJ hardly believes him, but he still nods and walks away to the piano. TJ had figured out pretty quickly how much James liked it. So whenever he feels James is upset, he just go and play for a while. It never lasts long, because he grows tired pretty quickly, but James takes it all in.

\----

“You saved my life…”

Kat looks up from her easel. “What?”

“You did, didn’t you? You saved my life…”

Kat slowly nods before letting a smile spreads on her face. “You remember?”

“I probably made a hell of a first impression, didn’t I? Beaten up and high as fuck… Talk about a good start…”

Kat stands up and grabs TJ softly by the shoulders. “You were perfect. I was –I still am – so happy I took that risk. You are so much more than worth it!” She hugs him carefully and he returns it. “You have become one of the most important person in my life. I’m forever grateful we met.”

She can feel TJ start crying against her shoulder.

“I need to remember, Kat… I just have those flashes, I don’t know… I don’t know if they are real of if they are what I want… I don’t know… I don’t know anymore…”

“It’s alright… TJ, just leave it be, and it’ll come back…” TJ shakes his head against her shoulder, his sobs amplifying. “Come on, TJ, let’s sit down, and what about you tell me what you remember?”

TJ takes in a deep breath before whispering a broken “Ok…”

Turns out TJ got back a good chunk of memories. Not only does he remember their meetings, but also Kat’s life, some bits and pieces about the bar… and their “extracurricular” activities. Kat smiles and tells him they stopped this a while ago.

“I had guessed so, with the way you look at Sara. I don’t remember why we stopped, tho. It was before Sara arrived, was it not?” Kat just smiles and nods. Not giving anything more. “I have to wait and find out, that’s it?” Kat nods again. “Did I tell you how much I hate you?” Kat laughs, and TJ is unable to do anything but laugh too.

\----

TJ goes to bed early with a hell of a headache. He knows he made a pretty big step forward today, but he still feels like a big piece is missing.  He has all these thoughts in his mind he can’t figure out how to store.  He tries to clear his mind and to fall asleep on them.

\----

The whole flat is silent. Kat and Sara went to bed a good hour ago, and TJ excused himself early. James knows he had a breakthrough in the afternoon, and that this is probably just a backlash.

James is laying back on the couch, staring at the ceiling, when he hears something from their –from TJ’s bedroom. He stand up and walks to the door, listening intently. Yep, he wasn’t dreaming. TJ is crying and whimpering. James softly knocks on the door.

“TJ” he whispers. “TJ are you alright?”

No answer. James decides to go in and tries to be as silent as possible as he walks to the bed. He sits on the edge and delicately brushes a lock of hair from TJ’s forehead. TJ is still sleeping, and there are tears running down from his eyes.

“TJ, you’re fine, you hear me?” The sound of James’ voice seems to soothe TJ back to a calmer sleep, so James keeps on. “I miss you, love, but you’ll be fine. I have faith in you. You’ll come back, I know it… You’re safe here, ok?”

TJ rolls on his side and throws his right arm across James’ lap, his hand clutching the fabric of his sweatpants. He then sighs heavily.

“Why did you leave me?” The mumble is so soft James thinks he might have imagined it.

“TJ?”

But only a soft snore answers.


	18. You saved my soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, people... I hope you enjoyed the ride, thank you for reading, commenting, kudoing.... ^^ With all my love!

James spent most of the night awake, with TJ holding him and sleeping sound. Every time he catches himself falling asleep, he shakes himself. There’s no way he wakes up TJ because of one of his nightmares. So he holds on.

When TJ opens a sleepy eye, James can’t help finding him adorable with his confused look and the way his hair goes every way possible. He wants to kiss him so bad right now.

“Uh?” TJ eloquently says when he realizes what –or rather who- he used as a pillow.

James smiles. “You had bad dreams yesterday, so I came to check up on you and, well… I couldn’t wake you up so I just stayed…”

TJ looks devastated for a second “But… You should have! You must have slept like hell, and you need to…”

“You need your sleep too. I’m glad I made you feel safe enough you could sleep sound.”

“You didn’t sleep at all, did you?” TJ looks upset now.

“TJ. It’s fine. I am fine. Can you trust me with this?”

TJ shakes his head but still lets it go. “Come on, I’ll make us a coffee” he groans as he stands up. James knows his wound, though nicely healed, still bother TJ sometimes, when he tries moving too much, too fast. James can’t stop himself and reach for TJ to help him steadying. TJ smiles softly with a low thanks before leading the way to the kitchen.

Sara’s already left for work and Kat is locked in her workshop. So TJ silently makes coffee for the two of them as James carefully watch him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he ends up asking.

“About what?”

“Your dreams…”

“I… No… I don’t remember them, really… Just bits and pieces…”

“It’s alright…”

TJ sighs. “Can you stop saying this? It’s not. It’s not alright. How could it be?” His voice raises as he keeps on speaking. “I don’t know… I don’t know anymore. I don’t know why I only feel whole when I’m close to you, I don’t remember if we had a thing or if it was just something _I_ wanted or maybe… Who knows? Maybe I’m just imagining it all…. and _you_ won’t tell me! I don’t know why I need you around so much! And I don’t know! I think I love you, but I don’t know what you feel and it’s killing me, James… It’s killing me…”

James stands up and grabs TJ to pull him into a weird one armed hug. TJ is shaking badly against him and keeps mumbling “I don’t know… I don’t…”

“Shhh… I’m here for you, TJ… I am always here for you… You are not imagining anything, you hear me? I love you so damn much, it’s been killing me not being allowed to tell you this for so long… I don’t care if you don’t remember it all, as long as you know I love you too… I love you too…”

TJ starts sobbing and brings his arms around to hold James tight against him. James sees Kat above TJ’s shoulder. She just nods with a small smile and disappear back in the corridor. James’ sight is a little blurry and he fights back tears.

He softly pulls TJ’s face up and does what he’s been wanting to do since TJ woke up. It’s a chaste kiss, at first. He just revels in the feeling of their lips touching. The kiss deepens fast, and it just feels like heaven.

He doesn’t know how long they stay here. He would have stayed a lot longer.

\---

James deserted the couch. He now sleeps back in his bed, with TJ squeezed against his side. He doesn’t sleep much still, but at least when he wakes up from his nightmare, he is already buried in his boyfriend’s arms, with TJ’s voice in his ear, trying to soothe him back to peace.

He doesn’t feel as guilty as he used to about waking someone up because of his nightmares. Because once in a while it’s his turn to take care of TJ’s bad dreams.

It’s one of those nights where TJ starts getting restless in his sleep and James talks him through it. TJ is startled awake brutally with a sharp inhale and immediately finds his place in James’ tight embrace. He needs a few minutes to gather himself, his body shaking under the pressure of tearless sobs. Then, in the dark of the bedroom, his lips find James’ ear and he whispers “I remember now…” James only tightens his hug in response. There a lump in his throat that stops him from answering. When he manages to swallow it back, he only murmurs “I always knew you would…”

\---

TJ comes back to work at the bar a month after he left the hospital. Only part time, first. Taking baby steps, as Kat says. James is still a little too much on the edge to be working just yet, but he’s slowly getting there. His psychiatrist has made him enter an experimental program to get a bionic arm, and so far things are getting rather well for him.

They decide to move out of the flat, leaving it to Kat and Sara. Kat feels sorry about it, but TJ tells her they both need more space. Especially since Sara told them she wanted to build her own family in the near future, and Kat didn’t say anything against it…Plus, Kat and TJ will keep seeing each other every day at the bar, and she can expect both James and him to crash on her couch every time they feel like it. She just smile. And tell them that once their bedroom is turned into a nursery, they will have to accept an uncle part-time job. James laughs at the idea. He’s not quite sure giving a baby to a one-armed clumsy guy is the best idea ever, but they are still far from it yet.

So far, things haven’t moved much anyway, because they haven’t found their perfect place. And Kat isn’t in a hurry to push them out.

James keeps seeing Becky regularly. She moved in Boston for her studies, but they call one another often and they plan to visit one another soon. He knows she’s still in touch with their mother but refuses to speak with their father. He hopes she will work it out, because he knows how much the situation sucks. James will always be there for her anyway.

As for TJ, things are good with his family lately. Maybe they finally believe he’s doing better with his problems. Maybe they trust him a little more. Maybe it’s just the fact TJ is happy with both his friends and who he is with them and he doesn’t care that much about other people’s opinions. It doesn’t matter. James can see TJ comfortable with his family, and he thinks it’s priceless.

\----

“What?”

“Yeah, we thought… instead of having a perfect stranger for it, we’d rather chose the both of you and let faith decide…”

TJ and James share an incredulous look.

“You want one of us to be the potential father to your children?” James tries to clarify.

“Yes. But you won’t have to do anything with him if you don’t want to. I mean, if you don’t want to see yourselves as the fathers, it’s fine with us…”

“I’m going to let James go on this one if he wants. But you’ll have to do without me.” TJ shakes his head. Sara gives him an inquisitive look. “Do you know there’s a genetically component to drug addictions? I won’t ever do this to a child. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“TJ… First, you don’t know if he would have it, and secondly we would all be there for him all along. Genetic is only 50% involved. And look at you, you are doing great now… We wouldn’t let it happen…”

TJ shakes his head, stubborn.

“Well, that was unexpected and it’s not something we can decide on the spur of the moment…” James steps in.

“Of course not, we don’t expect you to give us an answer right away. Just… Keep us posted.” Sara answers with a smile.

\---

James talks TJ into considering it. Then convince him everything will be fine. That Kat and Sara will be amazing parents, and that even if the worse was to happen, the child would always have support. And because James looks so excited at the idea of being a father but won’t do it without TJ, TJ is willing to take the risk. He makes a promise to himself that he won’t let anything happen to that child.

But with two amazing mothers and two fathers who are willing to do their best, TJ think this one has good chance to make it out ok.

Kat is so happy when they tell her, that TJ finally gets convinced it will be fine.

\----

They finally find the perfect flat, just two blocks away from Kat’s. It’s big enough to put TJ’s piano in the living room, it has an extra bedroom which is perfect for when Becky will come, and it even has a small room they decide to turn into a photo lab for James. TJ was thrilled when James slowly but surely started using his camera again. It takes some training and adjustment with just one arm. Balance is harder to have, even with his arm prosthesis. So he prefers his compact camera for now. It’s mostly urban photography so far, with a few trips to the country and to zoos to take some nature photography. (When they manage not to fool around too much. Because let’s be clear, TJ is not leaving him to go anywhere on his own. As long as James is fine with it, TJ wants to be there. But it means sometimes they have other things in mind than photography…) If it was up to TJ, he would only put James’ pictures to decorate their new flat.

TJ is just coming back from a meeting with Kat and Alyse at the bar, and he finds James sitting on the couch, staring at him intently as he steps in.

“What’s up?” he asks curiously.

James can’t hold his smile. “I’m in. Surgery is planned next week.”

TJ gapes. James has been through so many testing to try and get this bionic arm, and it’s been so long TJ thought it was a lost cause. He knows how much it would change things for James. Being able to move his hand again, to hold his camera, to be independent – even though he’s doing real great with the prosthetic one.

“For real?” TJ hushes, unbelieving. James nods and stands up. TJ takes the couple of steps separating them and crashes their lips together. He can feel his smile spreading on his face and starts giggling. “I’m so happy for you” he whispers, breathless as he brings his hands to rest on James’ hips.

James just strokes TJ’s face with his thumb, smiling too. He lets himself fall back on the couch, bringing TJ down with him with an outrage shriek and another burst of giggles. TJ ends up straddling James and kisses him again, grinding lightly against James’ lap and reveling the soft moan he earned with this.

Their kiss quickly deepens as James starts to unbutton TJ’s shirt. TJ just shoves his hands under the hem of James’ shirt and pulls it up, forcing James to stop what he’s doing in a groan of frustration. Which quickly turns into a hot moan when TJ dives back to leave a trail of kisses and suck a couple of hickeys from his left ear to his neck and down to his left shoulder. James shudders. He already took his prosthesis off and the skin there can be so sensitive, but TJ knows exactly what James likes now. James can’t hold his desperate whimper and his hips thrust up, looking for any kind of contact. He feels TJ sighs happily against his skin as he grinds down to meet the thrust.

“Help me with those, would you? Or I rip it off” James groans, frustrated. The shirt isn’t even half unbuttoned and TJ laughs huskily and he gets rid of it. He also takes the opportunity to take off both their pants and underwear. So now it’s just skin on skin and it feels like they are burning anywhere they touch.

One great thing about living alone in their own flat is that they can shamelessly hide their sex stash anywhere they might need it. So TJ reaches behind the couch’s cushions to get the lube he knows is here and pours some on James’ fingers as they keep grinding against one another with loud gasps.

“Oh fuck yes please…” TJ exclaims when he feels James’ middle finger start circling around his hole.

James laughs deep in his throat and whisper “Such a needy little thing, are you” Before being cut off by a rough, open-palmed stroke of TJ’s hand against his cock. He whimpers loudly before laughing again. “You little shit…”

“Bite me.”

“I might take you at your word on that”

TJ’s smile only widens, then his eyes close while he moans high at the intrusion of James’ finger. They take their time, enjoying the foreplays. TJ wanks James in time with the thrusts of James’ fingers in and out of him. They both drink the other one’s moan at the source, barely keeping their lips apart. When their kisses start to be more open-mouthed gasps, TJ decides he’s ready enough and slaps James’ hand away from his ass. He slowly impales himself on James dick and starts riding him. James brings his hand to grab TJ’s hip, and lets it just rest there. He enjoys the ride for a while and admire the view of TJ’s slim body undulating above his. He groans when TJ speeds up and whimpers as James’ cock grazes a particularly sensitive spot.

James brings his hand up to stroke roughly at his boyfriend’s nipples, earning a gorgeous whine. Then he grabs TJ by the neck and forces him down for a languid kiss. When they part, he bites TJ’s lower lip and challenges him with his stare.

“Keep yourself up, could you” he growls.

TJ puts his forearms on the back of the couch, bringing his face inches away from James’. That way, his hips are slightly held up and James can start thrusting up roughly, while staring at TJ’s gorgeous face. He’s so fantastic when he gets fucked hard. His whimpers are cut in rhythm with James’ thrust and it’s the most melodic music ever to James’ ears.

“Oh my… god… Oh yes, like that… OH fuck yes… Harder…” TJ mewls.

James provides and put his hand down around TJ’s cock to stroke him in time.

“Oh fuck… fuck me…” TJ moans, biting James’ right shoulder after a particularly sharp thrust. “James… I’m… I love you so much… Hmmm…”

James start to thrust more erratically as he gets closer to come. He tightens his grip around TJ’s cock, getting a loud whimper for it. He feels TJ tensing around him as hot stripes of come paint his abdomen and it’s only seconds after that he plunge over the edge too, still thrusting his way out of his orgasm.

\----

James is stroking TJ’s back lightly as they both try to catch their breath and it’s tickling slightly. TJ loves it.

He lets his forehead rest against his lover’s one and stares at him in his eyes. He could spend hours like that. But he thinks about something he talked about with Kat earlier in the afternoon. So when James flips them over so TJ lays on his back, after the small discomfort of not having James in him anymore, TJ asks him if he can grab his jeans. James straightens on his knee and bends to get the jeans without getting up. When James tries to give it to him, TJ shakes his head.

“Look in the back pocket, would you?”

James takes the small black chest and lays back on TJ with stars in his eyes. “For me?” he asks in a whisper.

“Who else?” TJ jokes lightly, even if he starts getting a little anxious.

He carefully watches James as he manages to open the little chest with one hand and stops, gaping at what’s inside. TJ reach for the silver ring and, without looking at James, starts speaking.

“I won’t be mad if you say no, but… Yeah, you mean the world to me… I mean… You saved my soul… so I though… I wanted to know if maybe… I don’t know… I’m all yours already, but I want…”

“Yes, yes, yes…” James takes back the ring and interrupts him before crashing their lips together. “How could I say no, TJ? You’re the best thing that happened to me…”

TJ laughs with alleviation. He strokes the tips of their noses together as he smiles “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’ll always be here for you. Yes. Yes, I want to marry you.”

TJ throws his arms around James to hug him tight as James peppers his face and neck with light kisses as he hums.

“You do realize I have no left ring finger for this, right?” James jokes once they both settle back down.

“Well”, TJ takes the ring in his hand one more, and reach for James’ right hand. “It’s not the first time we won’t be entirely traditional, is it?” James laughs with him as he lets TJ put the ring on his right annular.  No, it’s not. Probably won’t be the last either. But it’s fine. As long as they are together.


End file.
